Things I Love from Mormonism

• Emphasis on hard work, self-sufficiency, helping those around you.
• That we all have the seeds of godliness within each human being.
• Honoring those who have gone before us.
• Some really nice symbolism.
• The idea of atonement, that there is a force in the universe for healing and growth for when you fuck it all up or feel like you just can't get where you want to go or be the person you want to be, that force for good there inside of you, waiting for the moment when you actually start letting go of all your old baggage and moving on to a healthy and happy you. 
• That it was started by a little guy who asked big questions.
• Related to the above, that sometimes you find fear/darkness/feeling of abandonment before you get knowledge.
• Though it may not seem that way now, deviating from an expected path is at the very core of the religion; the religion's foundation is a giant metaphorical middle finger to "the establishment." If you find something that is wrong or that just makes your soul cry out for answers, maybe it's your responsibility to find the way that is in accordance to the principles of justice and mercy and benevolence and truth as you understand them. Maybe the system is broken. Maybe you were misguided or misunderstanding or headstrong or wanted to have everyone married together in a giant heavenly love-fest and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe you love communes. Maybe you find out after trying it out that some things work better in theory than in practice. Maybe you love nature. Maybe you love someone the same sex as you. Maybe you think people shouldn't be put into little boxes because of their sex or gender. Maybe you are mystical and spiritual and find all the obedience stuff super mundane. Maybe you end up realizing that mundane can transcend too. Maybe this bullet is getting too long compared to all the other bullets. Maybe all of the above. But most importantly, maybe you won't know until you try it, until you say Dear God I don't think this is right, I need to embark on my own. I know of at least one founder of Mormonism who did so. 

Surely there are more, but those are off the top of my mind. Sorry Mormonism that we couldn't make it work, but we had some good times, a lot of which have made me who I am today.

Covers

Sometimes I like to listen to and compare different covers of a familiar song. I was just recently doing this with "Rainbow Connection" one of my favorite songs. Here's the original Kermit, from Muppet Movie:

I like this Dixie Chicks version. Soulful, nice twangy banjo and guitar supported by fiddle-y strings, sweet hearty voices.

This Weezer version is good too (with Hayley Williams). Nice, quirky sound, expansive at points, a little edgier, but still maintaining that tender feel of the original; I also like the swampy sounds in the background, nice touch:

Willie Nelson. Ephemeral. Savory, easy, nostalgic feel. You kind of get the sense he has already found that rainbow connection.

This one, I don't even know what to say, but I think I love it:

I already posted about the Sarah McLachlin version another time. Definitely a bit more wistful sounding.

Like a Boss

I like this meme.

ps I just realized the cat one actually doesn't say "Like a Boss" but that cat is definitely lying there like a boss.

How to Make Friends with your Lab TA

When he is talking about increasing the pressure in a system and uses inflating a bicycle tire as a real-life example, and then says there aren't a lot of everyday examples of decreasing pressure, you might say something about suctioning a drinking glass onto your face.

I do that every day, doesn't everyone?

Or, while asking him a question during the procedure, you notice he is wearing a shirt that has the same college as your former roommate. You ask if he attended there, which year? When he says 2011, a good idea is to say loud enough for many people to hear "What?! From undergrad???" as you realize/try to make sense of the fact that OMG when I graduated college, this guy was still in high school! 

Long Over Due Post: Why I Am Not a Mormon

Short answer, there are probably a ton of reasons:

• Political ones
• Social ones
• Doctrinal ones
• Faith ones
• Creepy experiences with men in power ones

These were all sort of happening for years and eventually I couldn't justify those things, didn't get enough out of it, didn't feel I could find enough good to justify them. Basically, I got tired and I wanted to be happy.

Long answer: I know I never had the rock-solid belief that a lot of other people in my various congregations seemed to have. I didn't know if I believed, but I knew I wanted to believe in a benevolent, all-powerful, all-loving God who wasn't sexist or racist or arbitrary or believed in certain sexualities over others. Who was there when you needed him/her. Who helped you through the tough times. I prayed and prayed for that. For God to tell me even something as simple as Yes I validate your struggle, you are known and loved. I clung to the words that other people spoke of their own experiences. Searched everything I could find. Tried to train myself, my habits to be the kind of person who believed, who was worthy of the gift of faith. Who - to use the LDS phraseology - knew.

I don't know why, but I could never feel certain. And I could certainly never justify a lot of the horrible things that have been done in the name of my religion, and the religions it was based on. Never seem to have enough faith in the other stuff to let those bad things slide, or trust that they would be explained 'in the eternities'. And I didn't want to. That felt gravely wrong, terrifying.*

But I also didn't think that I should give up on the good in it. Didn't think my voice, my experiences should be discounted, just because I didn't fit the mold. At times, I thought maybe my role would be to help pave the way for other forms of belief, of living the religion, or to work against those bad things from within, trying to fight injustice where I found it while still attempting to fit in with the greater culture, to 'live in harmony with the gospel'. But let me tell you. That's kind of exhausting. I don't actually love conflict. I struggled on for what felt like a very long time.

And I had my little seedlings of faith and hope. I stumbled upon fiercely loving friends, gentle ones who listened to my teary confessions of doubt, ones who would discuss the complexities of what I was facing, who were maybe facing similar things, or who at least didn't trivialize either side of my conflict.

I came across ideas and principles that really resonated. Little bits here and there that made me feel larger, powerful, good... and gentle too. I created simple rituals for myself (and close friends who were interested) that reflected the beauty and order - and chaos too - around us in the seasons, in darkness and light, in quiet moments and joyful ones and painful ones. Hey, I figured. Joseph Smith could start a religion, why can't I? I carry those little seedlings with me still. And now, too, I love to snatch up those little bits that make you feel like your soul and body are a part of something bigger and like that deeper, wiser part of you knew this all along. They are taking root, getting stronger and sturdier.

Somewhere in this process, my little brother decided to go on a mission for the LDS church. I think I hadn't attended a service in awhile, but then on top of that, began spending Sundays afternoons having family time, hanging out, eating delicious food. A legit 'excuse' for people from my own congregation who might be concerned for my spiritual welfare. My parents went to their congregation in the morning with my little brother and littlest sister, and I didn't want to miss the family time to go to the one near me, so I just didn't go. After he left for his missionary service, I realized, I am happier, calmer, more peaceful when I don't go to church. So I didn't go back.

I have done and tried a lot of new things these past couple years now, most of them not even directly related to things that I wasn't "supposed" to do as a practicing Mormon. I just found myself saying "yes" to new things, new experiences, trying stuff I had never even thought to try before. And it has been good. I am challenging a lot of things I didn't even realize I was holding to so closely. For example, I went to a shooting range and fired a pistol for the first time. I don't love guns, but I have at least tried that now. The world has opened up before me. I feel safer and more confident in myself. I still only think I like 30-40% believe in God, but I do feel more settled and serene.

People from church - I try to remind myself, they are coming from a place of care and concern - have tried to encourage me to go back, to attend activities or meetings, to meet with leaders. I have had to learn to politely say "no thank you," to set my boundaries, and stick to them. To respect my own ability to make choices for my life to trust my decisions and understanding of what I want, and to demand that others respect that as well. This has been a good learning experience for me too.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I will get married or have kids, if my path will lead me back toward the church my parents chose as a young couple with two children, or to a different church, or to some other path I can't even imagine. Maybe I'm actually ok with not knowing.

Maybe it is enough that I can tell myself, Yes I validate your struggle, you are known and loved.

*and probably even a lot of people within the religion would agree that I shouldn't go against that, but other people might also think a person struggling with such thoughts should pray more, read her scriptures more, just trust more

On a Day of Love, Some Lessons from Being Sick

Being so sick makes you realize a lot of things. You might think you are an adult, but you get really sick and you feel just like a helpless little kid, like all you want is somebody to hug you, wipe your snotty little nose, say "it's gonna be okay, I'm here."

I am blessed to have kind loving people who care about me and will help me as soon as they know that I need help. Sometimes you just gotta ask for help. 

Whether it is saying oh honey, giving me advice on the phone from another state, making me soup, bringing me food and DVDs, talking to me on the phone saying yes I will get better, helping me to clean, going to the store to get me medicine, patting my back, sending me nice texts and emails and well wishes on facebook - I have had people do all those things for me over the past week. 

Another thing you realize. Every day of life is a gift, and your body is a miracle. You especially remember this when you can’t do normal actions you usually take for granted, like cook for yourself, clean your room, walk any distance further than like the bathroom, breathe freely, have a conversation without breaking down coughing, sleep through the night. 

Sometimes things just take time. Waiting and doing the things you know are good to the best of your ability, sometimes that’s all you can do. 

I love the put your face in a bowl of steam and cover with a towel treatment.

I went for a snowshoe hike Sunday with my coworkers in the White Mountains. I’d been planning/coordinating the hike for weeks (or even months) so, even though I was still pretty far from being better, I just went, because I’d been planning it and looking forward to it for so long, because being couped up inside was getting very old, and because I wanted to go, damnit. We hiked up the White Ledge Trail near Albany NH. A nice little 4.5-miler with some moderate elevation gain (1500’ or so) and some nice views. On the descent, amidst the trees, the sunlight shining bright on the snow, the views of frozen lakes powder-white at the bases of the other mountains around us, I thought to myself. This is holy. As holy to me as I once wanted going to church to be. 

And God saw that it was Good. And I saw that it was Good too! Nothing like the fresh clear mountain air to clear your lungs and freshen your spirits.

Anyway, still fighting off the remnants of this beast. Hope to have fully beaten it in the next few days. 

Maybe a little bit rambly, and not a super Valentines Day post, but I guess there are all kinds of love. And I am loved in many ways. I am loved.

Pupcakes anyone?

I was feeling in the mood to make something cheesy/crafty and thought "aha! groundhog cupcakes." Did a quick google image search for ideas and let me tell you, a lot of them are downright disturbing.

This one looks like a pedophile.

Mouse... with... dentures?

I'm meltinggggg.

Still looks like a peanut.

Just looks vaguely inappropriate.

Sweet mercy what is that thing??? Little poops with M&M eyes?

Finally I saw a link for these Punxsutawny Phil pudding pops from the Junior Society. Unfortunately, I was unable to access the original post, or the blog at all, so we may never know what Junior Society is or where they went. Since the Junior Society was MIA, I figured it would work with cupcakes too.

Nilla wafers for heads.

Almond slices for the ears.

I used yellow cake mix and made some chocolate buttercream frosting. Nutella used to fasten the ears and to draw the faces. They don't look 100% groundhog, more teddy bear almost, but I decided I would rather have cute, bear-like cupcakes than creepy, groundhog-like ones (and even the "groundhog-like" is questionable in many of the instances I came across).

Winter Learning

As you know, I attended one of the winter mountain workshops with the New Hampshire chapter of the AMC (in specific, I believe my class was called "intermediate winter wilderness travel" or something like that).

Left work early Friday and carpooled up with some other people who were attending from the Boston area. Had some classroom sessions and went out for some hikes with our groups on snowshoes, did a 2,900' or something the first day, and bushwhacked up to a smaller hill and over to an old cellar hole (where there used to be a house like a thousand years ago, probably less than that). We slept in a lodge in bunk beds. We ate a wooden tables in a dining hall with giant timber beams across the ceiling. Like probably 2' deep or something. Nothing like could be built now. I believe the lodge was built in the 20s or 30s, so there were still some big trees like that then. It was kind of paradise there. Got back Sunday evening and had a couple friends/family members over for a little birthday toast.

Things I learned (or did for the first time):

• Learned the symptoms of hypothermia, what to do if something like that happens, what the biggest dangers or things to avoid are
• Carry extra set of socks, dry long underwear, in your pack
• Learned to read a compass/setting bearings
• Bushwhacking (going off the trail, just through the woods, using your map and compass to get from point A to point B)
• Saw where a moose had chewed the bark off of trees. The type of tree was called striped maple, I believe, but the nickname is moosewood, because they sure do love it. 
• Saw snowshoe hare tracks
• Broke trail (this is very fun, basically you are walking in the front of the group, on the fresh snow, and you may or may not be finding the way to go, depending if you are following a trail or bushwhacking)

Things I learned (or remembered) about myself:

• I love being outside
• I love being active
• I love learning new skills
• I am excited to be the first to do something
• I like to notice things and try to figure out what is going on or what caused it to happen or be that way
• I'm not cold when I'm moving

We were packing up to head home and somebody said "back to the real world" and to be honest I was a little bit bummed. The weekend really was spectacular. But then I wondered. Is where we were, in the forest, in the mountains among trees and snow and open sky, isn't that more the real world than almost anything? In a way, yes it is. It does remind you how fragile you are, as a creature, how much we need clothes, shelter, heating, insulation, things like that to keep us warm. That is pretty damn real. We kind of live in a bubble that we can take those things for granted.

In a way it was like a dream too, so so so beautiful, breathtakingly beautiful. So much fun. And there wasn't anything to worry about really, they fed us, told us what to do, taught us what we needed to know. Really the main thing to worry about is not dying, and you do worry about that, a tiny bit, but only from time to time.

Which is more real? I guess all of it is IT IS ALL REAL.

The Sweetest Birthday Wishes, from My Mom...

Got this email in my inbox when I returned from my NH weekend. I think it might be the best happy birthday I got this year.

Hey Hi Birthday Girl!

Hope you're having a wonderful day snowshoeing around - we even got the snow that I special ordered JUST FOR YOU...

Getting out this AM put me in mind of the Saturday morning you were born - it was sooooooo cold that AM that by the time we got Kevin into & out of the car to the Guggios house [and we only had to take him at W______ Rd] and then on to Beth Israel hospital, my labor stopped - and it had been going strong for several hours. Fortunately when I 'thawed out' things kicked back into high gear and we had you .. ta-da here she is! I am so glad that we did; you have truly been a joy to me. I love your spirit and quirky-ness and joie de vivre and kind & generous & loving nature and exceptional, inquisitive mind and your creativity ...and so much more! I love you more than words can say. Happy Birthday, Katie. 

It really means something, coming from the person who has known you since you were born. Who actually made that happen (your birth). Who wiped your little butt and your snotty little nose and held your hair back while you barfed into the toilet and put up with you when you were acting like a little shit... who watched you grow through that super awkward phase (which you may or may not still be in), who loved you through it all and will continue to love you through it all.

Thanks Mom!

NBPM: Powder Base

I don't really wear much makeup, typically just a bit of eyeliner, mascara, some subtle eyeshadow. I used to have some liquid foundation Mary Kay from my mom's friend but it was soooo old I threw it out a couple months ago in one of those intense purging moods.

Getting ready for a wedding* this past weekend I realized maybe I wanted to wear a base of some sort, so I had to ask my other lady roommate who fortunately has a similar skin tone and is in the possession of a foundation stick. It made me realize that maybe I need to invest in some of my own, for special occasions or more dressy/professional days even.

Anyway, so today after work I marched my little hiney over to Macy's up to the Origins counter.  No idea why I chose that one, maybe just it didn't seem so harsh, more mild, natural, whatever. Asked the young woman (probably 23 or something, not that I look much older than that) to help me get the right shade and discuss the different options. She was very thorough, talked to me about the pros and cons, what she wears, tried out different types - the powders, the liquid with powder coating, etc.

Exactly what I was hoping for when I walked in there.

I kind of like not wearing tons of makeup all the time. It's more "me." But it's good to have that option now/again.

Not sure where I'm headed with the blog post here, if anywhere. I'm not loving the prompts they are giving, so I guess I'm just going with whatever I feel like writing.

*wedding was tons of fun, btw!

NBPM: More Like Mom or Dad?

Another from October : Between your mother and your father, who are you more alike?

Let's see. I would say in looks, I'm probably more like my dad's side of the family. Personality may be a toss-up. Both are smart, fun, loyal...

Ways I'm like my mom:

• Sentimental, sympathetic, concerned for others
• Somewhat conflict-avoidant
• Making food for people as a way of showing love
• Maybe more self-doubting

Ways I'm like my dad:

• Interested in trying new things
• A bit more of a clown/outgoing/people-oriented
• Can be detached if I need or want to be
• Like working with my hands
• Can get obsessed with a topic

I dunno, this is a difficult prompt. It's hard to describe people, especially those you've known from birth. And maybe even harder to describe yourself.

NBPM: Life Flashing Before My Eyes

Did one from October for today's: If your life flashed before your eyes, what are 5 moments you know would be included?

Things that have taken up a somewhat depressingly large portion of my life and therefore would be more of an honest representation of how I have spent my days:

• Studying or attending class, daydreaming or doodling
• Sleeping, trying to avoid waking up
• Cleaning, cooking, eating, pooping, showering, etc
• Riding on a train/bus/bike or in a car
• Sitting in my office cube, working on the computer

Things I'd actually want to remember:

1. I'm small. My hair in a long braid down my back. My grandpa, my mom's father, drives me and my brothers and sisters in the back of his rusty pickup truck up a dirt road in the mountains. The air is breezy, whipping strands of hair as we bump over potholes. He pulls over finally to a place with thick green beneath the trees. Gives us each a tin coffee can with a loop of string to hang around our neck. We pick blackberries - hundreds of them. So sweet. So fat. Careful of the thorns! Fill the cans up. Dump them into a big plastic bucket. Pick more. Empty the cans again. Almost as many going into my mouth as into the coffee can. Come home. Make blackberry crisp and jam and pie.
2. At my parents' house. It's dinner time, maybe thanksgiving, maybe a birthday, maybe a relative has died and we are telling our favorite stories in rememberence. Piles of food, all types. Maybe there is a debate. Maybe there are some passions flying. Maybe we are laughing. Loosening our belt buckles or changing into sweat pants to make room for more food.
3. I'm scrambling up a rocky mountain, half graceful, half totally out of control. There's a bit of wind rustling the leaves and there is some moss but not too slippery, and I'm feeling my way up and over and around boulders. Breathing slightly heavy from the intensity. Get to a clearing. The sun bursts out over the valleys. The view is extraordinary. I almost want to die from how awesome I feel.
4. Sitting with friends or family around a campfire, possibly on the beach. Wearing a cosy sweatshirt. Breathe in. Smokey on the breeze. A tiny bit chilly on the backside, warm on the side facing the flame. Crunchy pine needles or damp cool sand underfoot. Sky getting dark. Stars coming out. Some mosquitoes coming out too but we swat em. Maybe we are lucky, see some fireflies.
5. Probably if anything important or life-changing ever happened to me, like meeting the person I was going to spend my life with or seeing my son or daughter for the first time, that would be the fifth thing.

New Bucket List

I think I posted one on here before at some point, but here's my new, expanded one.

   1. Get photobooth shots done
   2. Have a bakery or sandwich shop or cafe
   3. Have a flower shop
   4. See northern lights
   5. Own a property - condo or small house - have fun making it quirky and homey
   6. Publish a writing piece, my own ideas or experiences
   7. Photos published somewhere
   8. Learn woodworking
   9. Use pictures to tell a story - children’s book (or an adult book)
  10. Go backpacking
  11. Have kids, get married
  12. Go to Europe to visit EK, the Danes, others
  13. Go to VA to visit LP
  14. Go to Antarctica
  15. Go to Columbia, hike, see Machu Picchu
  16. Road trip or train trip across USA
  17. Ski the Alps
  18. Hike the Alps
  19. Teach an artistic class (silkscreening, woodblock printing)
  20. Help make blankets for people who need them, babies or people in the hospital
  21. Climb Mt Washington

Weekend Update

Due to a series of unfortunate incidents I ended up not being able to go out to NY to participate in the field hockey alumni game this weekend at my alma mater.  Anyway, it was only a bummer for a short while. I did a lot of fun things instead.

Hung out with many, many Danes. Very hyggelig.

Got my hair cut. Got some Indian lunch buffet.  Spent some time at K + T's and baby M's for awhile. Installed the Bum Genius for them (attaches right to the toilet supply line!)

Took the first nap of the season in the back porch hammock. Had two of my sisters over to make these little chocolate coated cake owls and cake-filled easter baskets.

Creepy-cute. My favorite.

Also I met with one of my new roommates.  It's sad that the Danes have to go back to Denmark mid-June... but he will hopefully be a fun and responsible and easygoing roommate.

More pics from creep-cute cake time:

Saw off the bottom of ice cream cones.  Fill with chocolate to create bottom of "basket."

The handle is chocolate twizzler, miraculously

.

Owl body in melted chocolate coating.

Dane food.

  

Some of my favorite creepy-cuties.

Goodbye Week, Hello Weekend

This weekend we have a baby* party at my apartment for Kaci + Tom.  My littlest sister sings in West Side Story.  I get to see almost my whole family.  And dear dear dear Rachy comes to stay for a few days! 

Goodbye week, hello weekend. 




*That baby's gonna be here so soon...

To-do

My to-do list:

• Pick up library book
• Bring yellow shoes to cobbler
• Eat kale

It's actually written on a sticky note right here on my desk.  Seems doable.

Alice

So I just re-watched the new Alice in Wonderland and these words jumped out at me.  The White Queen speaks them to Alice as she's looking out at the faces of all the friends she has made along the way, deciding if she is up to the challenge of fighting the jabberwocky.

You cannot live your life to please others.  The choice must be yours, because when you step out to face that creature, you will step out alone.  

The beginning sounds a little cliche... but then that last part especially hit me pretty hard. While we can and often do have the support of loved ones - friends, mentors, family members - we ultimately battle our demons ourselves, by ourselves.

It is hard sometimes to know what you want.  It's hard to know what is your own and what you've merely absorbed from those around you.  But sometimes you need to know how to distinguish.

Maybe "that creature," the jabberwocky, can be a lot of things.  But it is certainly a thing we are afraid of.   I remember something a woman said at a presentation/seminar to other women about having a dream and working to reach it: if you feel scared, or like it's impossible, you're probably getting close.  And somehow, that same feeling seems to be the key to knowing what you want.  Pushing through the fear, pushing through despite the fear is what makes you strong.  It is how you know. 

You will step out alone. 

Me with the Rat

Just a little burst of good cheer after that depressing previous post.

Today

Went to my friend's mom's Christmas concert at this unitarian church (where I attended nursery school, actually).  It was nice, the melodies were nice and the chords were nice.  The choir was beautiful. Music can touch that part inside of you where words cannot reach, where you know things matter and are good, even if you don't know how to describe it.

I'd been feeling tired and a little sick this morning, so I kind of didn't even want to do anything.  But I'm glad I went.

I haven't really been going to church, and I don't think it's a bad thing to not go, it is maybe what I need right now, but still, I miss things being so HOLY like that. I like Christmastime a lot.  It's one of my favorite holidays.  I like lights in the darkness, warmth in the cold, baking treats, spending time with loved ones, and I like that story of a tiny little baby who ended up leading a pretty big life.

They didn't sing this one, but I just like it.  Enjoy.  

Nerds Care

The care package I am sending to my little brother may or may not contain printouts of some webcomics from xkcd.com...