Yo I'm on Fire!!!

Dude, let's all take a moment appreciate Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Especially that fourth movement. And while we're at it, let's appreciate these beautiful lyrics based from the poem by Friedrich Schiller:

Freude, schöner Götterfunken (Joy, beauteous spark of divinity)
Tochter aus Elysium, (Daughter of Elysium)
Wir betreten feuertrunken, (We enter drunk with fire)
Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! (Heavenly One, your sanctuary!)

Deine Zauber binden wieder (Thy magic power reunites)
Was die Mode streng geteilt; (All that custom has strictly divided)
Alle menschen werden Brüder, (All men become brothers)
Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt. (Where your gentle wing abides.)

Reclamation

So soccer went exceptionally well. We played with only one man down (our best showing ever), and we somehow managed to tie the other team! Also, ex-boyfriend --- whom we’ll call Chewbacca for no particular reason --- finally decided to make an appearance (after he signed onto the roster and failed to show up for any of the matches).

It is probably a good thing, though, to see him in casual settings, although definitely weird. He had wanted to jump right into “being friends” after a year and a half of dating. But my sorry little heart just couldn’t handle that right away. It’s been a long few months, but I’ve gotten to the point where my life resembles normal again. There are still things I miss. I miss sharing meals. I miss talking to him, kissing him, going on bike rides together. I miss the friendship, the little moments of shared quiet. I miss being shushed for asking questions during movies, finding messages on my voicemail (although my phone is broken now, so I don’t really make or receive phone calls anyway). I miss being missed. I miss him. But not as much now as I used to.

Looking at the bright side of things, there is so much of which I am able to partake now that I am a free woman. I enjoy being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I wouldn’t have gone mountain climbing or snowshoeing if I were still dating Chewie (I think he likes the idea of things more than actually doing them). I wouldn’t have substituted as an alternate for my friend’s dart team or attended the Beaux Arts Ball or danced until two in the morning at 80s night (Mr. Bacca doesn’t really like dancing). I probably wouldn’t have even started this blag. I guess I didn’t realize how much time was wrapped up in thinking about him, in worrying about the future of the relationship (never mind the hours we spent together each day). I also enjoy these feelings of inner giggliness that several people have been stirring recently, and I really like not having to push those feelings away guiltily. As cheeky as it may sound, I do enjoy enjoying the menfolk.

And finally, I enjoy this new freedom to explore my faith. I guess I hadn’t realized, but I really was limiting myself in terms of spirituality while dating this guy. Not that it was his fault, just that he wasn’t into it, and I didn’t want him to feel any pressure from me. But now – now I can ask questions and embrace them with every cell and emotion in my 23-year-old body. I can look for answers that expand upon reason, that enlarge and ennoble it. I can look to different traditions, to Christianity, to Hinduism, to Judaism… I can be comfortable with uncertainty and doubt, and I can begin to heal this self-inflicted spiritual wound.

My one regret is that I wish I had been mean or angry when we broke up. I just cried and wished him well. Come on, Katie, that's the best you could do?

The World of Newt

Tonight is my team’s fourth intramural soccer game of the season. We’ve never won or even played a match with a full team. The first one was canceled because the goals were filled with snow (from the giant plow that cleared off the turf field). The second took place in a blizzard, the third in rain so heavy that puddles formed on the field.
Winning… what is that? Scoring on your own goalie… passing to the other team… falling for no reason, with no one pressuring you… that is what I’m talking about. Basically what I am trying to say is I am looking forward to a fun time tonight.

Regarding the traffic light analysis: it did do me good. But not because of the signal colors. Here's a summary of lovely details from today that made me smile:

• The man with the curly ponytail and earphones dressed as Statue of Liberty. He’s always standing in front of Liberty Income Tax, waving and grinning (I can only imagine because he is rocking out to Led Zeppelin or Hillary Duff) as all of the cars speed up the hill towards Vermont.
• Sitting on a concrete stump with my bicycle next to me and a small notebook, collecting information about the intersection across from Liberty Income Tax.
• Waving back at Statue of Liberty man.
• The kid with a sparkly blue bike helmet and mint colored wrist pads who has been cycling all over creation. I must have seen her at least five times today alone.
• My pink sweatshirt that used to be E’s.
• Nerdlings who shyly and awkwardly ask what I am doing.
• The itty bitty dog on a leash skittering alongside a jogging girl in yoga pants.
• Crocuses!
• Looking at all of the garbage along the side of the road (i.e. rusted metal wheel, puzzle piece, torn plastic lei) and imagining stories of former lives.
• Another girl with TWO itty bitty dogs on leashes (this is almost too much for me).
• The fact that I figured out the cycle times and phases of all of my assigned intersections.