FYI not in funk anymore

I've been out of the funk so that's good, but pretty busy, so no blogging. I will have to post some pics or update at some point, but not now.

It's a generally good busy though.

Trying to squeeze every last juicy-sweet drop out of this summer before it disappears!

My Trip, in Numbers

(And words.)

Sort of - but not exactly - along the lines of a Rachel-y, list-y post...

• Stayed awake for 21 hours the first day
• Skied -  6 lifts, 3 (?) peaks, 1050 skiable acres, 66 runs
• Took 2 buses each way to the mountain, which we selected as the only one which wouldn't require a third bus
• Slept in 4 different people's beds (NICE PEOPLE)
• Taught my brother an eight-count tap dance, comprised of 6 basic steps
• Derived a theory for a universal braid of x strands and attempted a notation for universal braid theory
• Applied universal braid theory to strips of a paper restaurant napkin to create a braid with an x of 6
• Ate nutella and peanut butter sandwiches for 3 consecutive meals
• Recorded 15 video clips 
• Took 3 pictures on my phone
• Had $6 pizza at an Asian pizza buffet house ("Vegetable pizza?  Well, we can take the sausage off of this kind, how's that?")
• Attended a church service with 150 college freshmen which went into FORTY MINUTE overtime
• Learned 2 new games
• Saw 18 new and old friends
• Played with 1 baby
• Found 1 copy of Stephenie Meyer's New Moon at a bus stop
• Attempted to navigate suburban Utah without a car, which included walking 6.25 miles one day and eating trail mix in a Costco parking lot (see? it's like hiking!)
• Caught 4 flights, had 2 layovers for a total of 3 hours, set foot in 6 cities, traveled by 6 modes of transportation

And probably most impressively, considering all the traveling and keeping track of myself, my possessions, my flights/buses, and - occasionally - my brother:  

• Had 0 meltdowns.

'Twas a wonderful trip.  Bless you, Utah.  

Me, or not me?

So in high school growing up, we had this friend Tom with whom we'd play "me or not me," a pretty silly game wherein we'd name different people and he'd have to identify the person as himself or not himself.  So, if someone said "Tom," he would say "me," but  if they said "Katie," he would say "not me."  It was pretty funny/endearing how he would get so intensely sincere, this generally pretty smart kid, about identifying whether a person was him or not. 

Last year at about this time, I posted about embarking on the 40 days of Lent and quoted some particularly striking words to which I want to return at this moment:

It takes kenosis, a stripping of oneself, a totality of surrender. It takes a total interiorization, in which we recollect all our fantastically scattered thoughts. Because symbolically speaking, we must be naked and follow a naked Christ. We can’t take anything with us except faith, hope, and love.

The game we played with Tom as high schoolers seems pretty silly, but now, as an adult, I am realizing that "me, or not me?" is actually a difficult question, particularly when it comes to feelings.  It has taken me a lot of years, but I'm finally realizing - beyond intellectually - that if someone is angry, that is them, that I am separate from them.  I am slowly learning to step back and even put up an emotional barrier of some sort that acknowledges their feelings as well as establishing some sort of distance or distinction.  Just because someone else is sad, just because someone else is angry, even if it is because of me, it doesn't mean that I need to get sucked into it, a false empathy.  Somehow, a part of empathy is boundaries, in a strange way.  I can't really describe it that well. And I'm tired and I need to get up in 6 hours to catch a trolley to catch a train to catch a shuttle to catch a flight.*  So this will not be one of my most well thought out posts. 

Anyway, the journey within is one we are forever and always making, often cyclically, and so at this season of my life I am dedicating this time to a focus on the aspect of the journey pertaining to my own feelings, in essence, an emotional version of "me, or not me?"  I suspect, and it has been my experience so far, that as you learn to step back, to simultaneously experience AND observe what is happening, that the way to act just becomes clear.  And I hope that because I'm giving up something which I enjoy and do regularly (eating sweets/desserts), those little abstentions will serve as reminders for me to keep these thoughts on my mind and heart.  Giving up to possess, letting go to hold on.  The more I focus on emotional boundaries, the more of myself I will be able to give.  Life is - in a way, it seems - abundant with beauty and little infinite paradoxes. 




I've had this song/scene stuck in my head.  I like her making a difficult and scary decision for her family, but also for herself.  And I like it when she prays to the ancestors.  And I like the synthesizer music.  And when she cuts off her hair with a sword.  I don't even know. 




*I'm going to Utah tomorrow to go skiing and see some friends and of course to visit my brother P at The Lord's University.

I wish I were one of those people who liked to ORGANIZE things...

We have a lot of food in our tiny kitchen, but lots of random things as well, like boxes with approximately three Triscuit crackers or a ziploc containing a couple tablespoons of baking powder, nut chopper, loose packets of unpopped microwave popcorn, stuffed animals, a stray sock, Christmas ornaments, bottles of black and green food coloring... you know, just regular stuff like that.

After some contemplation, I came to the conclusion that the space in there wasn't really used very efficiently. I decided I'd go through and purge and rearrange, and then maybe I would want to actually EAT some of that food. So, just now, I removed everything from all of the shelves and all of the cupboards. I relocated the baking pans and supplies to above the cupboards by the sink. Then I looked at all the cans and boxes all over the floor and chair and counters and suddenly felt the urge to go into my bedroom and check Facebook. And write a blog post.

Soon Beth will get home, and food will be everywhere, and I'll be asleep or drooling or reading Mormon feminist blogs or BBC news, maybe doing breaststroke through my dirty and clean laundry or something. I suspect - though I am not certain - that this is why she tells our aunt that I'm "a good sister, but a bad roommate."

Ohhh the agony which smothers my soul when I imagine going back in and tidying everything up!!! Best to just pretend it never happened. Yep. Just pretend it never happened.

Katie, what is going on in the kitchen?

What do you mean?

There's food and crap EVERYWHERE.

What the...? I have no idea! I haven't even been in the kitchen since I've been home.

Katie, your bag is in here. And your shoes.

Uhhh... I have to go to the bathroom. (climbs out the window and down the fire escape)

I don't see any problem with this plan. Because I am so good at lying. And I don't need to eat. Ever....

Trends of Life

So, I've found that my life follows this beautiful current of curiosity and discovery, where seasons colored by different themes bleed into one another, forming an eternal chain, present seasons illuminating the previous ones and informing those subsequent.

But ah, the questions. How we wrestle together, those open-ended statements and I. How we tear at each other, how we cry out into the night, how we carry each other around silently, secretly. The contradictions, the paradoxes leap out at me, they yell my name. They drag me down, down, down, sometimes, but other times buoy me up and fill me with light. I cannot help the questions. They just come, forming like condensation on the edge of my awareness and dripping to a puddle at my feet. This mind, this swirling spirit is forever yearning, hopeful, sometimes terrifyingly tireless, but always, always questioning. If I try to stifle it (and I have tried at times), I hurt. If I work at things, I find myself growing and expanding. If I find someone to share in them, I am delighted, overjoyed, blessed beyond measure.

And of course there are times when nothing comes to me but I try to continue anyway. I wear myself down to a thin echo, pushing, pushing forward until my faculties are near collapse and the immensity of it all forces me to rest.

And yet recently I find a new trend entering my life, a new current. Something like a new peace I have found. The questions remain of course, constantly refining themselves, multiplying, morphing, but we - they and I - are learning to coexist. I am finally beginning to grasp in small ways the refined art of moderation. Of course, I still crave understanding, still thirst for comprehension, for what I call resonance, more than pretty much anything, but it is a more dignified feeling, a hunger tempered by patience, if only to a small degree currently. Though I want them and seek them with my entire being, I don't feel so anxious for the answers. I can sense a little earlier in the process when I am pushing too hard, I can sense the need for respite, for time to heal, to breathe, to just - as Mother Mary says - let it be.

And recently I even find myself at times possessing sufficient wisdom and love to allow it, myself, the questions, to just be.

---

This post is part of the Blue-Beta Blog Coordination, a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Confuzzled of I Keep Wondering, Gromit of The Dancing Newt, Redoubt of Redoubt Redux, Third Mango of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Yarjka of Sour Mayonnaise, and Xanthippe of Let’s Save Our Hallmark Moment. This week's theme: 'trends'.

Yo I'm on Fire!!!

Dude, let's all take a moment appreciate Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Especially that fourth movement. And while we're at it, let's appreciate these beautiful lyrics based from the poem by Friedrich Schiller:

Freude, schöner Götterfunken (Joy, beauteous spark of divinity)
Tochter aus Elysium, (Daughter of Elysium)
Wir betreten feuertrunken, (We enter drunk with fire)
Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! (Heavenly One, your sanctuary!)

Deine Zauber binden wieder (Thy magic power reunites)
Was die Mode streng geteilt; (All that custom has strictly divided)
Alle menschen werden Brüder, (All men become brothers)
Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt. (Where your gentle wing abides.)

What are ya gonna do?

I was seriously looking forward to a spoonful or two of Nutella as an afternoon snack: smooth, creamy, chocolatey, with a hint of nutty richness. Imagine my dismay to find the jar empty, save the dregs left over where no spoon can reach. Disappointing… to say the least!