Ok or not ok?

Well, since yesterday was so effing balmy, I stayed up and did some extra work ahead of time for my now crazy schedule - taking accelerated Human Physiology and Chemistry II simultaneously - Wednesdays are particularly brutal, 9:30 AM to 9:00 PM, fortunately one class got out early, so I'm writing about a little "moral dilemma" situation I had in Chem lab.

For lab today I made up an excel ahead of time/last night with the graph for our data (the graph would populate once we had filled the data into the table, which I also set up). Part of the post-lab assignment is to create a graph like the one that I had made ahead of time. After we got our data, I entered it into the table on my laptop, and we used the spreadsheet to do the calculations instead of doing all of them manually/on a calculator. My partner and I both copied the numbers into our lab notebooks. But then, he asked if I could send him the excel and the graph. I said that I didn't think it would be fair, because that is the assignment, that is the work he is supposed to do. I pointed out that we had written down the numbers we had calculated in class in our lab notebooks anyway, and said I could email him the raw data, but not the analysis part.

I don't know if I erred on the side of being too stingy, but whether I did or didn't, I guess it was probably the right choice ultimately, for me, because I would have felt annoyed having done the work myself and then just giving it to him for free.

Self-Insight

So. Thoughts since my big life changes.

I feel happy. I am challenged. I am working toward a bigger goal, something worthwhile. I am learning so so so much each and every day. I'm feeding my brain with a lot of new thoughts and information. Spending more time outdoors, in sunlight, exercising so much. My body feels great, my soul feels great.

So in the future I need to really remember that these are things that contribute to my overall well-being. Not  overlook or settle or anything like that. Make them a priority, wherever I find myself, whatever I end up doing with life.

Hopefully I'm learning to be in tune with myself and to recognize the absence of these qualities to life.

That is all.

Learning

Anatomy class is like being thrown into a foreign country, only knowing a handful of words. It's all jargon to you, all these terms, you have to just try to memorize them all, repeat them at rote. But then. Suddenly things start appearing in multiple places, you recognize a word or a phrase, it relates to something else you know, you understand how two things fit together, why one thing is called what it is called.

Cool.

We had our first exam, a lecture exam, on Thursday. I don't think I failed it, but other than that I have no idea how I did. Tomorrow is the lab practical exam. Eep! I was telling a friend, I think the honeymoon phase of back-to-school is over. It is still interesting, still cool, but it is definitely WORK now.

We also began our cat dissections last week. Not nearly so bad as I thought. Still gross, but I did not die. I think somehow I'm always amazed that I'm not dead after doing something which I've been dreading. Like somehow I cannot conceive of life after the horrible event which is to come. But that has proved false, time after time, so you'd think I might learn. But anyway. I am getting desensitized to the dead flesh aspect of it and more able to look at it and try to learn what I can and need to learn from it.

I did very well on the math and verbal GREs, only ok on the writing. Probably more than good enough for PT school, but I still might want to re-try later just because I think I can do better than that. Hm. Realisticaly I probably won't.

Interosseus membrane.

Crazy

Yesterday was my last day of work. Very bitter sweet.

I have been ready for awhile to move on to a new phase in my life, but it was so so tough to say goodbye to everyone I've come to know over the past five years.

We had a little going away party, and (here is the craziest, nicest thing I can imagine, which I wasn't expecting at all), my coworkers chipped in and got me a going away present: an ipad!!!! I was a little bit almost in shock and so touched by such a gesture from everybody that I hopefully didn't just sit there dumbfounded saying something like "oh my gosh WOW" and was able to get out a gracious thank you. But really, what a blessing to work with people who care so much that you succeed, even when you are leaving them, sending you on your way with such a thoughtful and useful gift.

I was eager to see what it was all about and playing around with it last night... there are so many features... for example, I can download apps about the different systems of the human body (muscles/bones, organs, etc) and there are models at different levels of magnification, I can zoom in and rotate around, use it to study and see how everything is fitting together. I'm sure there are other uses I haven't even discovered yet. Wow. I just keep thinking that to myself. Wow. And every time I use it I will remember how blessed I am with the people from this part my life who care for and support me.

This next week is serious overload.

• Today I have to bike over to BU where I'm taking Anatomy and Physiology, pay my tuition, get my textbooks, etc. 
• My first day of the course is Tuesday. I have six hours of lecture and four hours of lab. 
• I'm registering for an online developmental psych course as well.
• Saturday I take the GRE. 
• And tonight, my friends the Danes are coming into town and will be here through almost all of next week. 
• My roommate is graduating from his master's program and his girlfriend and family will be in town. 
• I still need to work out the lease for this coming year with my two new future roommates. 
• Now that I have more free time during the week I need to get back in touch with the people I was shadowing for observation hours and see if we can set up some more regular times I can come in. 
• And I want to do some last studying for the GREs. Maybe take another practice to build up my endurance. 

It is weird. A week or two ago I felt so many conflicting emotions, like inside of me was where crazytown was happening. Now that I've actually officially begun my new path, I still feel like things around me are a bit all over the place, but I'm strangely calm in myself, where I'm headed. Purposeful.

I'm sure that feeling will come and go, but, for now, I run with it.

On a Day of Love, Some Lessons from Being Sick

Being so sick makes you realize a lot of things. You might think you are an adult, but you get really sick and you feel just like a helpless little kid, like all you want is somebody to hug you, wipe your snotty little nose, say "it's gonna be okay, I'm here."

I am blessed to have kind loving people who care about me and will help me as soon as they know that I need help. Sometimes you just gotta ask for help. 

Whether it is saying oh honey, giving me advice on the phone from another state, making me soup, bringing me food and DVDs, talking to me on the phone saying yes I will get better, helping me to clean, going to the store to get me medicine, patting my back, sending me nice texts and emails and well wishes on facebook - I have had people do all those things for me over the past week. 

Another thing you realize. Every day of life is a gift, and your body is a miracle. You especially remember this when you can’t do normal actions you usually take for granted, like cook for yourself, clean your room, walk any distance further than like the bathroom, breathe freely, have a conversation without breaking down coughing, sleep through the night. 

Sometimes things just take time. Waiting and doing the things you know are good to the best of your ability, sometimes that’s all you can do. 

I love the put your face in a bowl of steam and cover with a towel treatment.

I went for a snowshoe hike Sunday with my coworkers in the White Mountains. I’d been planning/coordinating the hike for weeks (or even months) so, even though I was still pretty far from being better, I just went, because I’d been planning it and looking forward to it for so long, because being couped up inside was getting very old, and because I wanted to go, damnit. We hiked up the White Ledge Trail near Albany NH. A nice little 4.5-miler with some moderate elevation gain (1500’ or so) and some nice views. On the descent, amidst the trees, the sunlight shining bright on the snow, the views of frozen lakes powder-white at the bases of the other mountains around us, I thought to myself. This is holy. As holy to me as I once wanted going to church to be. 

And God saw that it was Good. And I saw that it was Good too! Nothing like the fresh clear mountain air to clear your lungs and freshen your spirits.

Anyway, still fighting off the remnants of this beast. Hope to have fully beaten it in the next few days. 

Maybe a little bit rambly, and not a super Valentines Day post, but I guess there are all kinds of love. And I am loved in many ways. I am loved.

Sometimes

Sometimes you look at all the things that seem hard, that you want or need to do, and you feel like you just. Can't. Do it.

Sometimes you just gotta look it in the face and say PUP YOU I'M GONNA SHOW YOU. Or at least just dig a tiny bit deeper and find that little bit of strength to drag yourself where you need to be, go through the steps necessary to get things done. One. By. One.

Ah motivation. Ah January. Ah winter.

NBPM: Powder Base

I don't really wear much makeup, typically just a bit of eyeliner, mascara, some subtle eyeshadow. I used to have some liquid foundation Mary Kay from my mom's friend but it was soooo old I threw it out a couple months ago in one of those intense purging moods.

Getting ready for a wedding* this past weekend I realized maybe I wanted to wear a base of some sort, so I had to ask my other lady roommate who fortunately has a similar skin tone and is in the possession of a foundation stick. It made me realize that maybe I need to invest in some of my own, for special occasions or more dressy/professional days even.

Anyway, so today after work I marched my little hiney over to Macy's up to the Origins counter.  No idea why I chose that one, maybe just it didn't seem so harsh, more mild, natural, whatever. Asked the young woman (probably 23 or something, not that I look much older than that) to help me get the right shade and discuss the different options. She was very thorough, talked to me about the pros and cons, what she wears, tried out different types - the powders, the liquid with powder coating, etc.

Exactly what I was hoping for when I walked in there.

I kind of like not wearing tons of makeup all the time. It's more "me." But it's good to have that option now/again.

Not sure where I'm headed with the blog post here, if anywhere. I'm not loving the prompts they are giving, so I guess I'm just going with whatever I feel like writing.

*wedding was tons of fun, btw!

NBPM: Life Flashing Before My Eyes

Did one from October for today's: If your life flashed before your eyes, what are 5 moments you know would be included?

Things that have taken up a somewhat depressingly large portion of my life and therefore would be more of an honest representation of how I have spent my days:

• Studying or attending class, daydreaming or doodling
• Sleeping, trying to avoid waking up
• Cleaning, cooking, eating, pooping, showering, etc
• Riding on a train/bus/bike or in a car
• Sitting in my office cube, working on the computer

Things I'd actually want to remember:

1. I'm small. My hair in a long braid down my back. My grandpa, my mom's father, drives me and my brothers and sisters in the back of his rusty pickup truck up a dirt road in the mountains. The air is breezy, whipping strands of hair as we bump over potholes. He pulls over finally to a place with thick green beneath the trees. Gives us each a tin coffee can with a loop of string to hang around our neck. We pick blackberries - hundreds of them. So sweet. So fat. Careful of the thorns! Fill the cans up. Dump them into a big plastic bucket. Pick more. Empty the cans again. Almost as many going into my mouth as into the coffee can. Come home. Make blackberry crisp and jam and pie.
2. At my parents' house. It's dinner time, maybe thanksgiving, maybe a birthday, maybe a relative has died and we are telling our favorite stories in rememberence. Piles of food, all types. Maybe there is a debate. Maybe there are some passions flying. Maybe we are laughing. Loosening our belt buckles or changing into sweat pants to make room for more food.
3. I'm scrambling up a rocky mountain, half graceful, half totally out of control. There's a bit of wind rustling the leaves and there is some moss but not too slippery, and I'm feeling my way up and over and around boulders. Breathing slightly heavy from the intensity. Get to a clearing. The sun bursts out over the valleys. The view is extraordinary. I almost want to die from how awesome I feel.
4. Sitting with friends or family around a campfire, possibly on the beach. Wearing a cosy sweatshirt. Breathe in. Smokey on the breeze. A tiny bit chilly on the backside, warm on the side facing the flame. Crunchy pine needles or damp cool sand underfoot. Sky getting dark. Stars coming out. Some mosquitoes coming out too but we swat em. Maybe we are lucky, see some fireflies.
5. Probably if anything important or life-changing ever happened to me, like meeting the person I was going to spend my life with or seeing my son or daughter for the first time, that would be the fifth thing.

New Bucket List

I think I posted one on here before at some point, but here's my new, expanded one.

   1. Get photobooth shots done
   2. Have a bakery or sandwich shop or cafe
   3. Have a flower shop
   4. See northern lights
   5. Own a property - condo or small house - have fun making it quirky and homey
   6. Publish a writing piece, my own ideas or experiences
   7. Photos published somewhere
   8. Learn woodworking
   9. Use pictures to tell a story - children’s book (or an adult book)
  10. Go backpacking
  11. Have kids, get married
  12. Go to Europe to visit EK, the Danes, others
  13. Go to VA to visit LP
  14. Go to Antarctica
  15. Go to Columbia, hike, see Machu Picchu
  16. Road trip or train trip across USA
  17. Ski the Alps
  18. Hike the Alps
  19. Teach an artistic class (silkscreening, woodblock printing)
  20. Help make blankets for people who need them, babies or people in the hospital
  21. Climb Mt Washington

Alice

So I just re-watched the new Alice in Wonderland and these words jumped out at me.  The White Queen speaks them to Alice as she's looking out at the faces of all the friends she has made along the way, deciding if she is up to the challenge of fighting the jabberwocky.

You cannot live your life to please others.  The choice must be yours, because when you step out to face that creature, you will step out alone.  

The beginning sounds a little cliche... but then that last part especially hit me pretty hard. While we can and often do have the support of loved ones - friends, mentors, family members - we ultimately battle our demons ourselves, by ourselves.

It is hard sometimes to know what you want.  It's hard to know what is your own and what you've merely absorbed from those around you.  But sometimes you need to know how to distinguish.

Maybe "that creature," the jabberwocky, can be a lot of things.  But it is certainly a thing we are afraid of.   I remember something a woman said at a presentation/seminar to other women about having a dream and working to reach it: if you feel scared, or like it's impossible, you're probably getting close.  And somehow, that same feeling seems to be the key to knowing what you want.  Pushing through the fear, pushing through despite the fear is what makes you strong.  It is how you know. 

You will step out alone. 

Strengths and Weaknesses

I had a dream this morning that I was discussing with two friends about whether it's better to spend your energy working on the things you're already good at, your natural strengths, or to work more on areas where you need improvement.  I believe the conclusion was that you should spend most of your energy working on the things which you enjoy and which come naturally to you and only work on the things that are difficult for you when they are limiting your happiness, relationships, and progress in the things you REALLY care about. 

I think that's actually pretty solid and wise, Dream Katie and Dream Friends.

Me, or not me?

So in high school growing up, we had this friend Tom with whom we'd play "me or not me," a pretty silly game wherein we'd name different people and he'd have to identify the person as himself or not himself.  So, if someone said "Tom," he would say "me," but  if they said "Katie," he would say "not me."  It was pretty funny/endearing how he would get so intensely sincere, this generally pretty smart kid, about identifying whether a person was him or not. 

Last year at about this time, I posted about embarking on the 40 days of Lent and quoted some particularly striking words to which I want to return at this moment:

It takes kenosis, a stripping of oneself, a totality of surrender. It takes a total interiorization, in which we recollect all our fantastically scattered thoughts. Because symbolically speaking, we must be naked and follow a naked Christ. We can’t take anything with us except faith, hope, and love.

The game we played with Tom as high schoolers seems pretty silly, but now, as an adult, I am realizing that "me, or not me?" is actually a difficult question, particularly when it comes to feelings.  It has taken me a lot of years, but I'm finally realizing - beyond intellectually - that if someone is angry, that is them, that I am separate from them.  I am slowly learning to step back and even put up an emotional barrier of some sort that acknowledges their feelings as well as establishing some sort of distance or distinction.  Just because someone else is sad, just because someone else is angry, even if it is because of me, it doesn't mean that I need to get sucked into it, a false empathy.  Somehow, a part of empathy is boundaries, in a strange way.  I can't really describe it that well. And I'm tired and I need to get up in 6 hours to catch a trolley to catch a train to catch a shuttle to catch a flight.*  So this will not be one of my most well thought out posts. 

Anyway, the journey within is one we are forever and always making, often cyclically, and so at this season of my life I am dedicating this time to a focus on the aspect of the journey pertaining to my own feelings, in essence, an emotional version of "me, or not me?"  I suspect, and it has been my experience so far, that as you learn to step back, to simultaneously experience AND observe what is happening, that the way to act just becomes clear.  And I hope that because I'm giving up something which I enjoy and do regularly (eating sweets/desserts), those little abstentions will serve as reminders for me to keep these thoughts on my mind and heart.  Giving up to possess, letting go to hold on.  The more I focus on emotional boundaries, the more of myself I will be able to give.  Life is - in a way, it seems - abundant with beauty and little infinite paradoxes. 




I've had this song/scene stuck in my head.  I like her making a difficult and scary decision for her family, but also for herself.  And I like it when she prays to the ancestors.  And I like the synthesizer music.  And when she cuts off her hair with a sword.  I don't even know. 




*I'm going to Utah tomorrow to go skiing and see some friends and of course to visit my brother P at The Lord's University.

Zen System

Today marks a week of trying this new "zen" approach to life, living very deliberately and focusing on the moment. I had recently been feeling so much chaos, so much wad-ness, and - while I think elimination of ALL chaos is unrealistic and actually quite unhealthy - too much chaos is also unhealthy.

I think my life was too polarized in terms of chaos and structure. My time was insanely structured (between commuting, working, sleeping, and outside commitments) so that in my remaining, limited free time, I became the utter embodiment of chaos, barely able to scrape myself off the floor, prepare food for myself, think about anything fun - i.e. abstract. Yes. Too much structure AND too much chaos. So, even without fully realizing consciously that this is what I've been doing, I have tried to reduce structure AND chaos, to allow time for pure being - a term I stole from Caterine Vauban and applied to something else - that harmonious welding of order and disorder. Here are the small changes I've begun to implement in my life, hopefully long-term ones.  I have a slightly different set of small changes for while I'm at work. 

• wear retainers each night
• wake up between 6:30 and 6:45
• return things to their place when I am done using them
• don't make plans if I don't want to; limit commitments

Zen?  That is not zen, you think. Well, in a weird way, I suspect it might be.  Bear with me.

Rising early and wearing my retainers at night helps me to begin and end each day purposefully. I have a few moments, just to myself, in the morning: I can prepare for the day with focus and intention. And, at the end of the day, by setting up the conditions in which I’d actually wear my retainers (carefully brush and floss, wash face, etc. – essentially go through a full-out evening ritual) I have a time to refocus and reflect and let myself just be.  The rock just sits and is. 

Making an effort to return things to their place helps me to be more aware of each action I do, the impact of my choices, etc. etc., and gives me a more ordered physical space as well. 

Limiting commitments has created more space for reflection, meditation, just existing, the psychological space for my soul/spirit to breathe, move, rest, renew…

It seems I have had more awareness and control as a result of these small lifestyle changes, though I'm wary of too much control.  I think I am going to go through another week of living like this (I called it "de-tox" to Bubber) and then re-evaluate and see if it is actually what I need to be doing or if I just end up spending so much of my attention on living deliberately that I actually miss the things that I'm supposed to notice or maybe if it's some sort of short-term thing where I just needed to get back into some sort of balance by swinging in the opposite direction first.

g-chat

My friend Ellie has spent the summer working on Long Island. I present you this recent online conversation.

E: my mom is coming!

i am waiting for her!

but she is taking so long! and i'm impatient

me: she will be there

make up a story

about a little girl who dropped her cloth doll in the ocean

and then a baby shark found it

E: you always have excellent advice.

If she says it, it is true.

About Time

I just washed ohhh... approximately 63 pairs of underwear.

I wish I were one of those people who liked to ORGANIZE things...

We have a lot of food in our tiny kitchen, but lots of random things as well, like boxes with approximately three Triscuit crackers or a ziploc containing a couple tablespoons of baking powder, nut chopper, loose packets of unpopped microwave popcorn, stuffed animals, a stray sock, Christmas ornaments, bottles of black and green food coloring... you know, just regular stuff like that.

After some contemplation, I came to the conclusion that the space in there wasn't really used very efficiently. I decided I'd go through and purge and rearrange, and then maybe I would want to actually EAT some of that food. So, just now, I removed everything from all of the shelves and all of the cupboards. I relocated the baking pans and supplies to above the cupboards by the sink. Then I looked at all the cans and boxes all over the floor and chair and counters and suddenly felt the urge to go into my bedroom and check Facebook. And write a blog post.

Soon Beth will get home, and food will be everywhere, and I'll be asleep or drooling or reading Mormon feminist blogs or BBC news, maybe doing breaststroke through my dirty and clean laundry or something. I suspect - though I am not certain - that this is why she tells our aunt that I'm "a good sister, but a bad roommate."

Ohhh the agony which smothers my soul when I imagine going back in and tidying everything up!!! Best to just pretend it never happened. Yep. Just pretend it never happened.

Katie, what is going on in the kitchen?

What do you mean?

There's food and crap EVERYWHERE.

What the...? I have no idea! I haven't even been in the kitchen since I've been home.

Katie, your bag is in here. And your shoes.

Uhhh... I have to go to the bathroom. (climbs out the window and down the fire escape)

I don't see any problem with this plan. Because I am so good at lying. And I don't need to eat. Ever....

Nearly every day

I loved Rachel's idea. So here are my items.

• Eat vegetables

• Touch something green and alive with my bare skin

• Play mandolin or add songs to the song book

• Say something kind to somebody

• Spend 45 minutes outside

• Restore order to one thing
  

• Hug someone

• Draw a picture
  

or a doodle

or write one word really beautifully

Also:

• Sleep

• Go to work

• Eat breakfast

• Remember keys, phone, and T pass
  

Train Operator

Over the intercom came the sound of the driver's hearty voice:

Park Streeeeeeet - have a nice day.
Sunshiiiiiiiiiiiiine is on its way.

And the meteorologists seem to agree with him. If their forecasts are accurate, I think a lot of people in Boston will be crying tears of joy tomorrow. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt the sun.

You know somebody is in a good mood when he makes the effort to RHYME.

Finished

So I am strolling through the park on a beautiful warm lunch break and come across a young man, drawing with sidewalk chalk on the pavement.

Shortest Race Ever

it says. About six feet apart, two lines are drawn and labeled “Start" and “Finish.”

Oooo can I do it? I ask him.

Of course. That is what it is for! I position myself at the start. Ready. Set. GO!

I take off and two steps later cross the finish line.

You won! he says. Yessssss what an accomplishment. Why does the world love me so much? Sometimes I just do not know.

---

This post is part of the Blue-Beta Blog Coordination, a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Confuzzled of I Keep Wondering, Gromit of The Dancing Newt, Redoubt of Redoubt Redux, Third Mango of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Yarjka of Sour Mayonnaise, and Xanthippe of Let’s Save Our Hallmark Moment. This week's theme: 'finished'.

I'll go

I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed by life right now.

I just ate corn chips IN MY BED and somehow wasted 45 minutes. The power went out in the middle of the night again so my alarm got reset. Now I have to go take the fastest shower in the universe.

I sort of just want to do a deep clean and purge EVERYTHING - or at least everything unnecessary - from my life and apartment, but I don't know when or even if that could happen. I am carrying too much, I can feel it, and it is wearing me out, and I don't know if I should purge the physical first, or if that is just a symptom.

Maybe Wednesday.

I need to eat some molasses and other iron-rich food so hopefully I can donate blood this time. I was rejected last time I tried, (the first time I was rejected in YEARS). Sigh. Universal donor. They'll just keep calling me... okay, I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go. I'll go.

I need to be purified.