Kale Quiche

I made it. It was delicious, but I maybe used too much kale so mine turned out kind of crumbly. Used frozen and used the whole bag. I guess that is equivalent to more than one bunch. But seriously, a bunch is a pretty vague unit of measure. Anyway. Tasty.

(not my picture)

Here is linky: Kale Crustless Quiche

Also I am interested in trying: Gatherer's Pie and Mushroom Thyme Gravy.

No roommates...?

...no pants?

Here I Go

Changes in my life happening.

I announced at work today that I will be leaving my job in engineering to pursue a new degree and career in... physical therapy!

Even though I enjoy working with my coworkers, I had been struggling for quite some to have a vision for myself, my future on this career track. It was a tough decision to come to. Thought long and hard about so many options or paths I could take. Visited different clinics, talked to people who are currently practicing, in school, went to an information session/open house at one of the schools in the area. It just feels right to me. The plan now is to take prerequisites over the summer and in the fall and to apply in the fall for admission next year. I have fulfilled some of the prerequisites in my civil engineering degree, but I still have to take Biology, Psychology, Anatomy, Physiology, Chemistry II, and Exercise Physiology. Lots of work. I can do it though. I know I can!

Everyone at my job has been soooo supportive and kind and understanding. Giving me hugs. Saying really nice things about me, and about working with me. Saying they want me to be happy and find work that will make me happy, that they will miss me. I was joking with myself on the way home, nothing like quitting your job to help you feel affirmed in yourself! But seriously, I couldn't ask to have worked with nicer people. It will be hard to say goodbye. Having these conversations has made the transition easier in some ways, harder in others. I get a little sad just thinking about it now.

Actually I feel a combination of this:

and this:

and this:

And this:

Time to wax philosophical though. I've learned so much these past years working here. A lot of it is very specific, task-based skills, which I will likely never use again. However, possibly more of what I have learned has been things I will carry with me no matter where I go.

• Balancing my time
• Organizing my thoughts and organizing the steps of a task
• Seeing a something through from start to finish
• Working with clients
• Learning to explain complicated things in a simple way
• Standing up for myself
• Getting in touch with what it is I actually want
• Working with people who have different communication styles

Yes all of that goes with me wherever the road takes me. And I'm sure there's even more than what I listed. Tomorrow I am attending the ribbon cutting for a project I worked on at its beginning back in 2008. A very nice conclusion to this stage of my career and life. Seems like everything is falling into place finally.

Just last week I had a mini-meltdown, felt like I was stuck, couldn't get into the classes I needed, like I would never move forward to where I want to go. Then yesterday night before bed, I made the decision to go for it, to just jump, and see where I land, I suppose. Right before I was about to sleep, within minutes of making my decision, I just thought I would quickly check the website for the class I need to take, just in case. There was an opening. The class had been full for weeks, every time I would check the site. Somebody had dropped the class right before I checked, and I was able to register. A miracle.

Thank you universe, for blessing me on my way.

The Trees

Here is a poem I remember reading in high school. Well actually I only could recall that first line.Thanks, google.

The trees are coming into leaf
Like something almost being said;
The recent buds relax and spread,
Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again
And we grow old? No, they die too.
Their yearly trick of looking new
Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unresting castles thresh
In fullgrown thickness every May.
Last year is dead, they seem to say,
Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

How fitting, for this time of the year. I just love looking out and seeing the overlapping shades of the fuzzy trees. Various yellow greens, all so tender.

Going from a kind of grief in ancient rings to beginning afresh, afresh, afresh.

Wow

Due to some little bit surprising circumstances, my brother is back in town. I am so so happy that he is safe, that everything turned out ok. Also that he is here, that I get to see him now, like whenever I want (and he wants). I have missed that little dude.

I didn't even realize how much.

Here's a video of one time I taught him to tap dance.

Long Over Due Post: Why I Am Not a Mormon

Short answer, there are probably a ton of reasons:

• Political ones
• Social ones
• Doctrinal ones
• Faith ones
• Creepy experiences with men in power ones

These were all sort of happening for years and eventually I couldn't justify those things, didn't get enough out of it, didn't feel I could find enough good to justify them. Basically, I got tired and I wanted to be happy.

Long answer: I know I never had the rock-solid belief that a lot of other people in my various congregations seemed to have. I didn't know if I believed, but I knew I wanted to believe in a benevolent, all-powerful, all-loving God who wasn't sexist or racist or arbitrary or believed in certain sexualities over others. Who was there when you needed him/her. Who helped you through the tough times. I prayed and prayed for that. For God to tell me even something as simple as Yes I validate your struggle, you are known and loved. I clung to the words that other people spoke of their own experiences. Searched everything I could find. Tried to train myself, my habits to be the kind of person who believed, who was worthy of the gift of faith. Who - to use the LDS phraseology - knew.

I don't know why, but I could never feel certain. And I could certainly never justify a lot of the horrible things that have been done in the name of my religion, and the religions it was based on. Never seem to have enough faith in the other stuff to let those bad things slide, or trust that they would be explained 'in the eternities'. And I didn't want to. That felt gravely wrong, terrifying.*

But I also didn't think that I should give up on the good in it. Didn't think my voice, my experiences should be discounted, just because I didn't fit the mold. At times, I thought maybe my role would be to help pave the way for other forms of belief, of living the religion, or to work against those bad things from within, trying to fight injustice where I found it while still attempting to fit in with the greater culture, to 'live in harmony with the gospel'. But let me tell you. That's kind of exhausting. I don't actually love conflict. I struggled on for what felt like a very long time.

And I had my little seedlings of faith and hope. I stumbled upon fiercely loving friends, gentle ones who listened to my teary confessions of doubt, ones who would discuss the complexities of what I was facing, who were maybe facing similar things, or who at least didn't trivialize either side of my conflict.

I came across ideas and principles that really resonated. Little bits here and there that made me feel larger, powerful, good... and gentle too. I created simple rituals for myself (and close friends who were interested) that reflected the beauty and order - and chaos too - around us in the seasons, in darkness and light, in quiet moments and joyful ones and painful ones. Hey, I figured. Joseph Smith could start a religion, why can't I? I carry those little seedlings with me still. And now, too, I love to snatch up those little bits that make you feel like your soul and body are a part of something bigger and like that deeper, wiser part of you knew this all along. They are taking root, getting stronger and sturdier.

Somewhere in this process, my little brother decided to go on a mission for the LDS church. I think I hadn't attended a service in awhile, but then on top of that, began spending Sundays afternoons having family time, hanging out, eating delicious food. A legit 'excuse' for people from my own congregation who might be concerned for my spiritual welfare. My parents went to their congregation in the morning with my little brother and littlest sister, and I didn't want to miss the family time to go to the one near me, so I just didn't go. After he left for his missionary service, I realized, I am happier, calmer, more peaceful when I don't go to church. So I didn't go back.

I have done and tried a lot of new things these past couple years now, most of them not even directly related to things that I wasn't "supposed" to do as a practicing Mormon. I just found myself saying "yes" to new things, new experiences, trying stuff I had never even thought to try before. And it has been good. I am challenging a lot of things I didn't even realize I was holding to so closely. For example, I went to a shooting range and fired a pistol for the first time. I don't love guns, but I have at least tried that now. The world has opened up before me. I feel safer and more confident in myself. I still only think I like 30-40% believe in God, but I do feel more settled and serene.

People from church - I try to remind myself, they are coming from a place of care and concern - have tried to encourage me to go back, to attend activities or meetings, to meet with leaders. I have had to learn to politely say "no thank you," to set my boundaries, and stick to them. To respect my own ability to make choices for my life to trust my decisions and understanding of what I want, and to demand that others respect that as well. This has been a good learning experience for me too.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I will get married or have kids, if my path will lead me back toward the church my parents chose as a young couple with two children, or to a different church, or to some other path I can't even imagine. Maybe I'm actually ok with not knowing.

Maybe it is enough that I can tell myself, Yes I validate your struggle, you are known and loved.

*and probably even a lot of people within the religion would agree that I shouldn't go against that, but other people might also think a person struggling with such thoughts should pray more, read her scriptures more, just trust more