Usually the path I am to follow as to what I am working on in my life - personally, philosophically, emotionally - is clear, or at least feels right in some way. I will feel a strange energy to continue pressing forward if it is the way I am supposed to be going. Hard to describe really. I open one door, which leads to another room. I learn what I need to learn in that room and then move on to the next. Not necessarily linear, but at least there is some degree of clarity. However, recently I have been feeling like every door I try is locked or a dead end, as though, no matter what I do, I am trapped in this dimly lit room with walls and floors that are sticky with other people's dried beer, alternately pacing the linoleum tiles and sitting restlessly on the stained avocado green sofa.
For some reason I was reading through all of these old posts of mine and it struck me how silly and naive I sound.
I just want to yell GAHHHHHHHHH and swing the door wide open into the chilly November night, clamber down the fire escape like a wild little monkey, and run through the streets of Brighton naked down to my feet.
I have been working so damn hard at loving it but truly, truly, I am just sick. and. tired of being me.
6 comments:
Oh, but I am glad you are you. I hope you figure out how to get unstuck soon. Loves!
Most people don't like to read what they wrote one, five, or twenty years ago.
I understand your feelings however. I say it's time for a change.
If you need any help with changes, I can be of great help in that. I think it would do you well to try some new experiences.
Not silly and naive--fresh and unspoiled--you, in a different time of life.
It's all part of life. There are times when we can't seem to move. My guess is that you're ready to leave behind some of the things you wish to cling to, and the element of the unknown, at this point in your life isn't exciting, it's a little intimidating and scary.
Remember that you're not alone. Look for the things that make you feel alive (for me this is running every day, and watching for flowers, sunrises, and sunsets). And I will join the many people who love the person you are until the time when you are ready to be you once again.
And I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
I feel like that (the first paragraph) all the time.
I was going to write more but it sort of turned into a blog entry on its own.
I really enjoy reading your posts. Please continue. And ditto SC--I usually feel silly when I read things I wrote a few years ago. But I'm beginning to be glad I have them, and even glad for the times I was silly, because you can't learn and grow without some silliness, I think.
That is a frustrating place to be. I hope you are able to find direction soon.
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