Crazy

Yesterday was my last day of work. Very bitter sweet.

I have been ready for awhile to move on to a new phase in my life, but it was so so tough to say goodbye to everyone I've come to know over the past five years.

We had a little going away party, and (here is the craziest, nicest thing I can imagine, which I wasn't expecting at all), my coworkers chipped in and got me a going away present: an ipad!!!! I was a little bit almost in shock and so touched by such a gesture from everybody that I hopefully didn't just sit there dumbfounded saying something like "oh my gosh WOW" and was able to get out a gracious thank you. But really, what a blessing to work with people who care so much that you succeed, even when you are leaving them, sending you on your way with such a thoughtful and useful gift.

I was eager to see what it was all about and playing around with it last night... there are so many features... for example, I can download apps about the different systems of the human body (muscles/bones, organs, etc) and there are models at different levels of magnification, I can zoom in and rotate around, use it to study and see how everything is fitting together. I'm sure there are other uses I haven't even discovered yet. Wow. I just keep thinking that to myself. Wow. And every time I use it I will remember how blessed I am with the people from this part my life who care for and support me.

This next week is serious overload.

• Today I have to bike over to BU where I'm taking Anatomy and Physiology, pay my tuition, get my textbooks, etc. 
• My first day of the course is Tuesday. I have six hours of lecture and four hours of lab. 
• I'm registering for an online developmental psych course as well.
• Saturday I take the GRE. 
• And tonight, my friends the Danes are coming into town and will be here through almost all of next week. 
• My roommate is graduating from his master's program and his girlfriend and family will be in town. 
• I still need to work out the lease for this coming year with my two new future roommates. 
• Now that I have more free time during the week I need to get back in touch with the people I was shadowing for observation hours and see if we can set up some more regular times I can come in. 
• And I want to do some last studying for the GREs. Maybe take another practice to build up my endurance. 

It is weird. A week or two ago I felt so many conflicting emotions, like inside of me was where crazytown was happening. Now that I've actually officially begun my new path, I still feel like things around me are a bit all over the place, but I'm strangely calm in myself, where I'm headed. Purposeful.

I'm sure that feeling will come and go, but, for now, I run with it.

Long Over Due Post: Why I Am Not a Mormon

Short answer, there are probably a ton of reasons:

• Political ones
• Social ones
• Doctrinal ones
• Faith ones
• Creepy experiences with men in power ones

These were all sort of happening for years and eventually I couldn't justify those things, didn't get enough out of it, didn't feel I could find enough good to justify them. Basically, I got tired and I wanted to be happy.

Long answer: I know I never had the rock-solid belief that a lot of other people in my various congregations seemed to have. I didn't know if I believed, but I knew I wanted to believe in a benevolent, all-powerful, all-loving God who wasn't sexist or racist or arbitrary or believed in certain sexualities over others. Who was there when you needed him/her. Who helped you through the tough times. I prayed and prayed for that. For God to tell me even something as simple as Yes I validate your struggle, you are known and loved. I clung to the words that other people spoke of their own experiences. Searched everything I could find. Tried to train myself, my habits to be the kind of person who believed, who was worthy of the gift of faith. Who - to use the LDS phraseology - knew.

I don't know why, but I could never feel certain. And I could certainly never justify a lot of the horrible things that have been done in the name of my religion, and the religions it was based on. Never seem to have enough faith in the other stuff to let those bad things slide, or trust that they would be explained 'in the eternities'. And I didn't want to. That felt gravely wrong, terrifying.*

But I also didn't think that I should give up on the good in it. Didn't think my voice, my experiences should be discounted, just because I didn't fit the mold. At times, I thought maybe my role would be to help pave the way for other forms of belief, of living the religion, or to work against those bad things from within, trying to fight injustice where I found it while still attempting to fit in with the greater culture, to 'live in harmony with the gospel'. But let me tell you. That's kind of exhausting. I don't actually love conflict. I struggled on for what felt like a very long time.

And I had my little seedlings of faith and hope. I stumbled upon fiercely loving friends, gentle ones who listened to my teary confessions of doubt, ones who would discuss the complexities of what I was facing, who were maybe facing similar things, or who at least didn't trivialize either side of my conflict.

I came across ideas and principles that really resonated. Little bits here and there that made me feel larger, powerful, good... and gentle too. I created simple rituals for myself (and close friends who were interested) that reflected the beauty and order - and chaos too - around us in the seasons, in darkness and light, in quiet moments and joyful ones and painful ones. Hey, I figured. Joseph Smith could start a religion, why can't I? I carry those little seedlings with me still. And now, too, I love to snatch up those little bits that make you feel like your soul and body are a part of something bigger and like that deeper, wiser part of you knew this all along. They are taking root, getting stronger and sturdier.

Somewhere in this process, my little brother decided to go on a mission for the LDS church. I think I hadn't attended a service in awhile, but then on top of that, began spending Sundays afternoons having family time, hanging out, eating delicious food. A legit 'excuse' for people from my own congregation who might be concerned for my spiritual welfare. My parents went to their congregation in the morning with my little brother and littlest sister, and I didn't want to miss the family time to go to the one near me, so I just didn't go. After he left for his missionary service, I realized, I am happier, calmer, more peaceful when I don't go to church. So I didn't go back.

I have done and tried a lot of new things these past couple years now, most of them not even directly related to things that I wasn't "supposed" to do as a practicing Mormon. I just found myself saying "yes" to new things, new experiences, trying stuff I had never even thought to try before. And it has been good. I am challenging a lot of things I didn't even realize I was holding to so closely. For example, I went to a shooting range and fired a pistol for the first time. I don't love guns, but I have at least tried that now. The world has opened up before me. I feel safer and more confident in myself. I still only think I like 30-40% believe in God, but I do feel more settled and serene.

People from church - I try to remind myself, they are coming from a place of care and concern - have tried to encourage me to go back, to attend activities or meetings, to meet with leaders. I have had to learn to politely say "no thank you," to set my boundaries, and stick to them. To respect my own ability to make choices for my life to trust my decisions and understanding of what I want, and to demand that others respect that as well. This has been a good learning experience for me too.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I will get married or have kids, if my path will lead me back toward the church my parents chose as a young couple with two children, or to a different church, or to some other path I can't even imagine. Maybe I'm actually ok with not knowing.

Maybe it is enough that I can tell myself, Yes I validate your struggle, you are known and loved.

*and probably even a lot of people within the religion would agree that I shouldn't go against that, but other people might also think a person struggling with such thoughts should pray more, read her scriptures more, just trust more

The Sweetest Birthday Wishes, from My Mom...

Got this email in my inbox when I returned from my NH weekend. I think it might be the best happy birthday I got this year.

Hey Hi Birthday Girl!

Hope you're having a wonderful day snowshoeing around - we even got the snow that I special ordered JUST FOR YOU...

Getting out this AM put me in mind of the Saturday morning you were born - it was sooooooo cold that AM that by the time we got Kevin into & out of the car to the Guggios house [and we only had to take him at W______ Rd] and then on to Beth Israel hospital, my labor stopped - and it had been going strong for several hours. Fortunately when I 'thawed out' things kicked back into high gear and we had you .. ta-da here she is! I am so glad that we did; you have truly been a joy to me. I love your spirit and quirky-ness and joie de vivre and kind & generous & loving nature and exceptional, inquisitive mind and your creativity ...and so much more! I love you more than words can say. Happy Birthday, Katie. 

It really means something, coming from the person who has known you since you were born. Who actually made that happen (your birth). Who wiped your little butt and your snotty little nose and held your hair back while you barfed into the toilet and put up with you when you were acting like a little shit... who watched you grow through that super awkward phase (which you may or may not still be in), who loved you through it all and will continue to love you through it all.

Thanks Mom!

AHH

This is the time of year in which I am confused both about how old I am and which year to put at the end of the date. It's like a mini number identity crisis.

p.s. it's 2012 and I'm still 27 for a couple more days (although have thought I'm 26, 27, and 28 this past week).

NBPM: Life Flashing Before My Eyes

Did one from October for today's: If your life flashed before your eyes, what are 5 moments you know would be included?

Things that have taken up a somewhat depressingly large portion of my life and therefore would be more of an honest representation of how I have spent my days:

• Studying or attending class, daydreaming or doodling
• Sleeping, trying to avoid waking up
• Cleaning, cooking, eating, pooping, showering, etc
• Riding on a train/bus/bike or in a car
• Sitting in my office cube, working on the computer

Things I'd actually want to remember:

1. I'm small. My hair in a long braid down my back. My grandpa, my mom's father, drives me and my brothers and sisters in the back of his rusty pickup truck up a dirt road in the mountains. The air is breezy, whipping strands of hair as we bump over potholes. He pulls over finally to a place with thick green beneath the trees. Gives us each a tin coffee can with a loop of string to hang around our neck. We pick blackberries - hundreds of them. So sweet. So fat. Careful of the thorns! Fill the cans up. Dump them into a big plastic bucket. Pick more. Empty the cans again. Almost as many going into my mouth as into the coffee can. Come home. Make blackberry crisp and jam and pie.
2. At my parents' house. It's dinner time, maybe thanksgiving, maybe a birthday, maybe a relative has died and we are telling our favorite stories in rememberence. Piles of food, all types. Maybe there is a debate. Maybe there are some passions flying. Maybe we are laughing. Loosening our belt buckles or changing into sweat pants to make room for more food.
3. I'm scrambling up a rocky mountain, half graceful, half totally out of control. There's a bit of wind rustling the leaves and there is some moss but not too slippery, and I'm feeling my way up and over and around boulders. Breathing slightly heavy from the intensity. Get to a clearing. The sun bursts out over the valleys. The view is extraordinary. I almost want to die from how awesome I feel.
4. Sitting with friends or family around a campfire, possibly on the beach. Wearing a cosy sweatshirt. Breathe in. Smokey on the breeze. A tiny bit chilly on the backside, warm on the side facing the flame. Crunchy pine needles or damp cool sand underfoot. Sky getting dark. Stars coming out. Some mosquitoes coming out too but we swat em. Maybe we are lucky, see some fireflies.
5. Probably if anything important or life-changing ever happened to me, like meeting the person I was going to spend my life with or seeing my son or daughter for the first time, that would be the fifth thing.

Great

From Little Bro Currently Doing Missionary Service

He wrote at the end of one of his letters:

Much love. Few words? One exhoration: greet the brethren and sistren with an holy kiss (1 Thess 5:26).

Heheh. Cracks me up. I miss that little, 6-foot-plus guy.

Some Updates

Tonight I am going to my first meetup event! A vegetarian food meetup. I wonder what the other people will be like. Hopefully not the crazy veg types.

Also I'm getting this, because I think it's funny and cool (Reunite Pangea - heeee):

Also we have made some huge progress in terms of my parents and their house. 

Also, I've been reading this book about unlocking your creativity, doing the different exercises and stuff. It might be a bit hokey, but I also do sort of agree with its premise, that creativity is a way of acknowledging a higher power, of channeling the divine in your life.

Finally, I think I want to start posting again on One Little Joy.

Me with the Rat

Just a little burst of good cheer after that depressing previous post.

Snow Miracle

It snowed here. A lot.  I might write about Christmas holiday at some point, but now I am just so happy about this beautiful snow.  Here's something I wrote about our first, little snow last week, it still applies, perhaps more:

AHHHH snow is so pretty! Walking to the train this morning was a little bit thrilling. Neighbors out shoveling. Little doggies making tracks on the sidewalk. The ice on the river, covered in white, except for a few swirly patches here and there. The roofs of the buildings, white. The swings in the playground, people’s front steps. White. Also, I like that the snow kind of shakes everyone back to reality. Everything looks so different. The world looks so different, the same trees, cars, sidewalks, but somehow all brand new.

Snow found its way everywhere. 

Not even the birdhouse was spared.

Three in a row. 

Ice, ice, baby. 

Drippy.

The snow collected in a narrow cap along the top of the fence.  

Trees.  Branches. Snow.  Sky.

Snow barf on everything.

View from front porch.

I have a ton more where that came from, but those are just some highlights.

I woke up with a killer headache and called in to work saying I needed to go back to bed.  When I awoke for real and had something to eat and drink, I checked to make sure it was fine if I took a 'snow day' for myself.  I then proceeded to lounge around for awhile as snowy wind howled around the apartment.  After I had enough of coziness, I bundled up, went out on foot with my camera and my HP7 book, sat in a cafe for awhile, sipped some hot cider.

Bubs and I tried to go skating but it was closed because of THE WEATHER.  Silly.

So we found ourselves having Vietnamese and watching TRON: Legacy.  We both ended up pretty happy with that series of events.  Movie recommended if you're in the mood for a fun, action-y film with fun,  action-y soundtrack.  3D not required.


A song my mom used to sing.

It snowed last night, it snowed last night.
The sky bears had a pillow fight,
Tore up all the clouds in sight, tossed down all the feathers white.
Oh, it snowed last night, it snowed last night.

Today

Went to my friend's mom's Christmas concert at this unitarian church (where I attended nursery school, actually).  It was nice, the melodies were nice and the chords were nice.  The choir was beautiful. Music can touch that part inside of you where words cannot reach, where you know things matter and are good, even if you don't know how to describe it.

I'd been feeling tired and a little sick this morning, so I kind of didn't even want to do anything.  But I'm glad I went.

I haven't really been going to church, and I don't think it's a bad thing to not go, it is maybe what I need right now, but still, I miss things being so HOLY like that. I like Christmastime a lot.  It's one of my favorite holidays.  I like lights in the darkness, warmth in the cold, baking treats, spending time with loved ones, and I like that story of a tiny little baby who ended up leading a pretty big life.

They didn't sing this one, but I just like it.  Enjoy.  

Gratitude

Anyway, a couple friends on FB have been posting things they’re thankful for, and Rachy just made a Thanksgiving post. I think it’s good to do that. It really gives you perspective on your life, and a lot of joy to realize how much you really do have. So, things I'm grateful for:

• My fun, loving family - they are not perfect, they occasionally drive me crazy, but I have to say they are one of biggest factors in who I am today
• Friends - I have been blessed with kind and funny and supportive friends who make life not only tolerable but oh so joyful
• Wonderful living situation
• Employment
• Enough to eat
• Overall health
• Modern utilities, including the internet
• Facebook
• Walking
• Warmth
• The rain
• My hands
• Love
• Discovery
• Seasons, time, days, nights, cycles 
• Plants
• Colors
• Dunkin Donuts hash browns (not gonna lie, I am grateful for them) 
• The new day that always comes
• And eyes to see, ears to hear, skin to touch all the beauty that exists in the world around me.

Nerds Care

The care package I am sending to my little brother may or may not contain printouts of some webcomics from xkcd.com...

Sister No. 2

WARNING: ooey gooey sister love ahead.

So E wrote the following on my FB wall maybe a week ago or something, and it got me thinking, actually.

Sometimes you just want to creep on your sister's blog, but then she hasn't posted anything new in almost a month so you can't. So then you just go to bed...

To be honest, this summer, I have felt like I have lost a brother in many ways, I know he'll come back from this experience quite different, he already sounds different in the way he writes (or maybe it's more that we're just not used to him saying that much at a time... heheh).  He will still be the same brother I know and love, but the experience will change him. 

I feel the absence a LOT at family events.

However, at the same time, having E home for several months had been just fabulous.  Going 'letterboxing', staying up late talking with Bubber, videorecording our parents boogie boarding at the beach, laughing our little asses off, etc. etc.  It has been a lot of FUN. 

And, I can say with all honesty that she has grown into a mature, thoughtful, dependable lady, somebody I really enjoy in my life as a friend, a peer, in addition to a sister.  I remember her jumping up and down on the bed scream-singing her personal lyrics to the tune of Mary Poppins (Moosha makka mikka makka, anyone?), I remember her in her awkward curly bangs phase, I remember her coming to visit me at college, thinking everyone slid down the hill on old cardboard boxes in the snow and jumped on random mattresses. 

But now I think of her as someone I can confide in, talk to about how to approach different family and friend and relationship situations, someone who is compassionately aware of what is going on around her, someone who cares for others in a deep and practical way.  She cares enough to try to make sure that everyone is communicating to one another.  She can see what needs to be done in a situation and will take the initiative required to get the group to where it needs to be.  In this family, those are all skills which are in high demand. 

And she is hilarious and makes gross/amazing sound effects.  She knows exactly when to time the delivery of a joke or silly comment to lighten the mood. 

Of course all my family members are great, and I could write a million lengthy posts for EACH of them, but I guess this is the summer that E became an adult.  Or perhaps, more precisely, the summer I realized she was an adult.  So apparently I needed to write a post about it, to commemorate it. Or something. 

♥

Fish Nation Army

Michaela likes dancing along to this.

Random

I wore my retainer last night for the first time in months (because little sister E made me feel a little bit ashamed last weekend while I was staying with her... yeah I think my overbite was starting to come back and my bottom front tooth was starting to get a little crooked). 

Anyway, now my teeth hurt SO BAD and I'm about to go to brunch and it bums me out a little because I loooove brunch foods and probably the only thing I'll be able to get is like porridge or something. 


It is raining so hard right now.  A beautiful spring rain that collects in deep cool puddles anywhere there's a hollow on the ground, pouring in fierce little rivulets along the edge of the streets, deepening all the colors into vibrant versions of themselves, muffling every sound with its gentle pattering, until all you can hear is the occasional splash of tires on pavement and the rumble of thunder. 

I Love

This song.  So waily-awesome.  Sadly, I haven't listened to it in a long time because my hard drive got baleeted.  




And the pregger banjo player.  OF COURSE the pregger banjo player.  Here's an excerpt from an email:

I basically love when pregnant women do anything.  It's like you take any activity and it is ~10x cooler when a pregnant person does it.  Shooting an arrow?  Pretty cool.  Shooting an arrow while pregnant?  Effing. Bad. Ass.  

This post is hereby publicly dedicated to Kaci.  

Goodbye

I feel sad throwing away ballpoint pens...

My Trip, in Numbers

(And words.)

Sort of - but not exactly - along the lines of a Rachel-y, list-y post...

• Stayed awake for 21 hours the first day
• Skied -  6 lifts, 3 (?) peaks, 1050 skiable acres, 66 runs
• Took 2 buses each way to the mountain, which we selected as the only one which wouldn't require a third bus
• Slept in 4 different people's beds (NICE PEOPLE)
• Taught my brother an eight-count tap dance, comprised of 6 basic steps
• Derived a theory for a universal braid of x strands and attempted a notation for universal braid theory
• Applied universal braid theory to strips of a paper restaurant napkin to create a braid with an x of 6
• Ate nutella and peanut butter sandwiches for 3 consecutive meals
• Recorded 15 video clips 
• Took 3 pictures on my phone
• Had $6 pizza at an Asian pizza buffet house ("Vegetable pizza?  Well, we can take the sausage off of this kind, how's that?")
• Attended a church service with 150 college freshmen which went into FORTY MINUTE overtime
• Learned 2 new games
• Saw 18 new and old friends
• Played with 1 baby
• Found 1 copy of Stephenie Meyer's New Moon at a bus stop
• Attempted to navigate suburban Utah without a car, which included walking 6.25 miles one day and eating trail mix in a Costco parking lot (see? it's like hiking!)
• Caught 4 flights, had 2 layovers for a total of 3 hours, set foot in 6 cities, traveled by 6 modes of transportation

And probably most impressively, considering all the traveling and keeping track of myself, my possessions, my flights/buses, and - occasionally - my brother:  

• Had 0 meltdowns.

'Twas a wonderful trip.  Bless you, Utah.  

Past, Present, Future

No, as far as these things are concerned, there is just today, beautiful, perfectly, joyfully, tragically unfolding, however it may.  Everything else - yesterday, tomorrow - is simply a story we tell ourselves.  They are powerful stories, to be certain, stories which inform our choices and our emotion and awareness, but really the only thing that truly exists is this moment we've been given. 

From my journal Monday 5 October 2009. 

The end of that journal got really spastic.  As in, of the last five entries, I wrote the word UGH at least eight times.  The final entry even consisted of only that single word, 31 December 2009: UGH, and then nothing else for the rest of the book.  I had to move on to the next notebook with seven blank pages remaining, just because I needed a fresh start (and what a coincidence it aligned perfectly with the calendar year this time!).  Anyway, though, I was looking back through for something profound that somebody had said that I thought I'd recorded, but I didn't find the profound statement.  Instead I came across the above little nugget, which is also profound, in its way.  It is nice to go back and re-read and surprise yourself that maybe you can sometimes write things that are a little bit wise or beautiful, even if you have pages and pages filled with UGH UGH UGH in large childish scrawl. 

Like Ju-Ju Pup always has at the bottom of her emails, that uniquely human marriage of the infinite and the mundane within each of us...