Things I Love from Mormonism

• Emphasis on hard work, self-sufficiency, helping those around you.
• That we all have the seeds of godliness within each human being.
• Honoring those who have gone before us.
• Some really nice symbolism.
• The idea of atonement, that there is a force in the universe for healing and growth for when you fuck it all up or feel like you just can't get where you want to go or be the person you want to be, that force for good there inside of you, waiting for the moment when you actually start letting go of all your old baggage and moving on to a healthy and happy you. 
• That it was started by a little guy who asked big questions.
• Related to the above, that sometimes you find fear/darkness/feeling of abandonment before you get knowledge.
• Though it may not seem that way now, deviating from an expected path is at the very core of the religion; the religion's foundation is a giant metaphorical middle finger to "the establishment." If you find something that is wrong or that just makes your soul cry out for answers, maybe it's your responsibility to find the way that is in accordance to the principles of justice and mercy and benevolence and truth as you understand them. Maybe the system is broken. Maybe you were misguided or misunderstanding or headstrong or wanted to have everyone married together in a giant heavenly love-fest and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe you love communes. Maybe you find out after trying it out that some things work better in theory than in practice. Maybe you love nature. Maybe you love someone the same sex as you. Maybe you think people shouldn't be put into little boxes because of their sex or gender. Maybe you are mystical and spiritual and find all the obedience stuff super mundane. Maybe you end up realizing that mundane can transcend too. Maybe this bullet is getting too long compared to all the other bullets. Maybe all of the above. But most importantly, maybe you won't know until you try it, until you say Dear God I don't think this is right, I need to embark on my own. I know of at least one founder of Mormonism who did so. 

Surely there are more, but those are off the top of my mind. Sorry Mormonism that we couldn't make it work, but we had some good times, a lot of which have made me who I am today.

Crazy

Yesterday was my last day of work. Very bitter sweet.

I have been ready for awhile to move on to a new phase in my life, but it was so so tough to say goodbye to everyone I've come to know over the past five years.

We had a little going away party, and (here is the craziest, nicest thing I can imagine, which I wasn't expecting at all), my coworkers chipped in and got me a going away present: an ipad!!!! I was a little bit almost in shock and so touched by such a gesture from everybody that I hopefully didn't just sit there dumbfounded saying something like "oh my gosh WOW" and was able to get out a gracious thank you. But really, what a blessing to work with people who care so much that you succeed, even when you are leaving them, sending you on your way with such a thoughtful and useful gift.

I was eager to see what it was all about and playing around with it last night... there are so many features... for example, I can download apps about the different systems of the human body (muscles/bones, organs, etc) and there are models at different levels of magnification, I can zoom in and rotate around, use it to study and see how everything is fitting together. I'm sure there are other uses I haven't even discovered yet. Wow. I just keep thinking that to myself. Wow. And every time I use it I will remember how blessed I am with the people from this part my life who care for and support me.

This next week is serious overload.

• Today I have to bike over to BU where I'm taking Anatomy and Physiology, pay my tuition, get my textbooks, etc. 
• My first day of the course is Tuesday. I have six hours of lecture and four hours of lab. 
• I'm registering for an online developmental psych course as well.
• Saturday I take the GRE. 
• And tonight, my friends the Danes are coming into town and will be here through almost all of next week. 
• My roommate is graduating from his master's program and his girlfriend and family will be in town. 
• I still need to work out the lease for this coming year with my two new future roommates. 
• Now that I have more free time during the week I need to get back in touch with the people I was shadowing for observation hours and see if we can set up some more regular times I can come in. 
• And I want to do some last studying for the GREs. Maybe take another practice to build up my endurance. 

It is weird. A week or two ago I felt so many conflicting emotions, like inside of me was where crazytown was happening. Now that I've actually officially begun my new path, I still feel like things around me are a bit all over the place, but I'm strangely calm in myself, where I'm headed. Purposeful.

I'm sure that feeling will come and go, but, for now, I run with it.

Wow

Due to some little bit surprising circumstances, my brother is back in town. I am so so happy that he is safe, that everything turned out ok. Also that he is here, that I get to see him now, like whenever I want (and he wants). I have missed that little dude.

I didn't even realize how much.

Here's a video of one time I taught him to tap dance.

Long Over Due Post: Why I Am Not a Mormon

Short answer, there are probably a ton of reasons:

• Political ones
• Social ones
• Doctrinal ones
• Faith ones
• Creepy experiences with men in power ones

These were all sort of happening for years and eventually I couldn't justify those things, didn't get enough out of it, didn't feel I could find enough good to justify them. Basically, I got tired and I wanted to be happy.

Long answer: I know I never had the rock-solid belief that a lot of other people in my various congregations seemed to have. I didn't know if I believed, but I knew I wanted to believe in a benevolent, all-powerful, all-loving God who wasn't sexist or racist or arbitrary or believed in certain sexualities over others. Who was there when you needed him/her. Who helped you through the tough times. I prayed and prayed for that. For God to tell me even something as simple as Yes I validate your struggle, you are known and loved. I clung to the words that other people spoke of their own experiences. Searched everything I could find. Tried to train myself, my habits to be the kind of person who believed, who was worthy of the gift of faith. Who - to use the LDS phraseology - knew.

I don't know why, but I could never feel certain. And I could certainly never justify a lot of the horrible things that have been done in the name of my religion, and the religions it was based on. Never seem to have enough faith in the other stuff to let those bad things slide, or trust that they would be explained 'in the eternities'. And I didn't want to. That felt gravely wrong, terrifying.*

But I also didn't think that I should give up on the good in it. Didn't think my voice, my experiences should be discounted, just because I didn't fit the mold. At times, I thought maybe my role would be to help pave the way for other forms of belief, of living the religion, or to work against those bad things from within, trying to fight injustice where I found it while still attempting to fit in with the greater culture, to 'live in harmony with the gospel'. But let me tell you. That's kind of exhausting. I don't actually love conflict. I struggled on for what felt like a very long time.

And I had my little seedlings of faith and hope. I stumbled upon fiercely loving friends, gentle ones who listened to my teary confessions of doubt, ones who would discuss the complexities of what I was facing, who were maybe facing similar things, or who at least didn't trivialize either side of my conflict.

I came across ideas and principles that really resonated. Little bits here and there that made me feel larger, powerful, good... and gentle too. I created simple rituals for myself (and close friends who were interested) that reflected the beauty and order - and chaos too - around us in the seasons, in darkness and light, in quiet moments and joyful ones and painful ones. Hey, I figured. Joseph Smith could start a religion, why can't I? I carry those little seedlings with me still. And now, too, I love to snatch up those little bits that make you feel like your soul and body are a part of something bigger and like that deeper, wiser part of you knew this all along. They are taking root, getting stronger and sturdier.

Somewhere in this process, my little brother decided to go on a mission for the LDS church. I think I hadn't attended a service in awhile, but then on top of that, began spending Sundays afternoons having family time, hanging out, eating delicious food. A legit 'excuse' for people from my own congregation who might be concerned for my spiritual welfare. My parents went to their congregation in the morning with my little brother and littlest sister, and I didn't want to miss the family time to go to the one near me, so I just didn't go. After he left for his missionary service, I realized, I am happier, calmer, more peaceful when I don't go to church. So I didn't go back.

I have done and tried a lot of new things these past couple years now, most of them not even directly related to things that I wasn't "supposed" to do as a practicing Mormon. I just found myself saying "yes" to new things, new experiences, trying stuff I had never even thought to try before. And it has been good. I am challenging a lot of things I didn't even realize I was holding to so closely. For example, I went to a shooting range and fired a pistol for the first time. I don't love guns, but I have at least tried that now. The world has opened up before me. I feel safer and more confident in myself. I still only think I like 30-40% believe in God, but I do feel more settled and serene.

People from church - I try to remind myself, they are coming from a place of care and concern - have tried to encourage me to go back, to attend activities or meetings, to meet with leaders. I have had to learn to politely say "no thank you," to set my boundaries, and stick to them. To respect my own ability to make choices for my life to trust my decisions and understanding of what I want, and to demand that others respect that as well. This has been a good learning experience for me too.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I will get married or have kids, if my path will lead me back toward the church my parents chose as a young couple with two children, or to a different church, or to some other path I can't even imagine. Maybe I'm actually ok with not knowing.

Maybe it is enough that I can tell myself, Yes I validate your struggle, you are known and loved.

*and probably even a lot of people within the religion would agree that I shouldn't go against that, but other people might also think a person struggling with such thoughts should pray more, read her scriptures more, just trust more

On a Day of Love, Some Lessons from Being Sick

Being so sick makes you realize a lot of things. You might think you are an adult, but you get really sick and you feel just like a helpless little kid, like all you want is somebody to hug you, wipe your snotty little nose, say "it's gonna be okay, I'm here."

I am blessed to have kind loving people who care about me and will help me as soon as they know that I need help. Sometimes you just gotta ask for help. 

Whether it is saying oh honey, giving me advice on the phone from another state, making me soup, bringing me food and DVDs, talking to me on the phone saying yes I will get better, helping me to clean, going to the store to get me medicine, patting my back, sending me nice texts and emails and well wishes on facebook - I have had people do all those things for me over the past week. 

Another thing you realize. Every day of life is a gift, and your body is a miracle. You especially remember this when you can’t do normal actions you usually take for granted, like cook for yourself, clean your room, walk any distance further than like the bathroom, breathe freely, have a conversation without breaking down coughing, sleep through the night. 

Sometimes things just take time. Waiting and doing the things you know are good to the best of your ability, sometimes that’s all you can do. 

I love the put your face in a bowl of steam and cover with a towel treatment.

I went for a snowshoe hike Sunday with my coworkers in the White Mountains. I’d been planning/coordinating the hike for weeks (or even months) so, even though I was still pretty far from being better, I just went, because I’d been planning it and looking forward to it for so long, because being couped up inside was getting very old, and because I wanted to go, damnit. We hiked up the White Ledge Trail near Albany NH. A nice little 4.5-miler with some moderate elevation gain (1500’ or so) and some nice views. On the descent, amidst the trees, the sunlight shining bright on the snow, the views of frozen lakes powder-white at the bases of the other mountains around us, I thought to myself. This is holy. As holy to me as I once wanted going to church to be. 

And God saw that it was Good. And I saw that it was Good too! Nothing like the fresh clear mountain air to clear your lungs and freshen your spirits.

Anyway, still fighting off the remnants of this beast. Hope to have fully beaten it in the next few days. 

Maybe a little bit rambly, and not a super Valentines Day post, but I guess there are all kinds of love. And I am loved in many ways. I am loved.

The Sweetest Birthday Wishes, from My Mom...

Got this email in my inbox when I returned from my NH weekend. I think it might be the best happy birthday I got this year.

Hey Hi Birthday Girl!

Hope you're having a wonderful day snowshoeing around - we even got the snow that I special ordered JUST FOR YOU...

Getting out this AM put me in mind of the Saturday morning you were born - it was sooooooo cold that AM that by the time we got Kevin into & out of the car to the Guggios house [and we only had to take him at W______ Rd] and then on to Beth Israel hospital, my labor stopped - and it had been going strong for several hours. Fortunately when I 'thawed out' things kicked back into high gear and we had you .. ta-da here she is! I am so glad that we did; you have truly been a joy to me. I love your spirit and quirky-ness and joie de vivre and kind & generous & loving nature and exceptional, inquisitive mind and your creativity ...and so much more! I love you more than words can say. Happy Birthday, Katie. 

It really means something, coming from the person who has known you since you were born. Who actually made that happen (your birth). Who wiped your little butt and your snotty little nose and held your hair back while you barfed into the toilet and put up with you when you were acting like a little shit... who watched you grow through that super awkward phase (which you may or may not still be in), who loved you through it all and will continue to love you through it all.

Thanks Mom!

NBPM: More Like Mom or Dad?

Another from October : Between your mother and your father, who are you more alike?

Let's see. I would say in looks, I'm probably more like my dad's side of the family. Personality may be a toss-up. Both are smart, fun, loyal...

Ways I'm like my mom:

• Sentimental, sympathetic, concerned for others
• Somewhat conflict-avoidant
• Making food for people as a way of showing love
• Maybe more self-doubting

Ways I'm like my dad:

• Interested in trying new things
• A bit more of a clown/outgoing/people-oriented
• Can be detached if I need or want to be
• Like working with my hands
• Can get obsessed with a topic

I dunno, this is a difficult prompt. It's hard to describe people, especially those you've known from birth. And maybe even harder to describe yourself.

NBPM: Life Flashing Before My Eyes

Did one from October for today's: If your life flashed before your eyes, what are 5 moments you know would be included?

Things that have taken up a somewhat depressingly large portion of my life and therefore would be more of an honest representation of how I have spent my days:

• Studying or attending class, daydreaming or doodling
• Sleeping, trying to avoid waking up
• Cleaning, cooking, eating, pooping, showering, etc
• Riding on a train/bus/bike or in a car
• Sitting in my office cube, working on the computer

Things I'd actually want to remember:

1. I'm small. My hair in a long braid down my back. My grandpa, my mom's father, drives me and my brothers and sisters in the back of his rusty pickup truck up a dirt road in the mountains. The air is breezy, whipping strands of hair as we bump over potholes. He pulls over finally to a place with thick green beneath the trees. Gives us each a tin coffee can with a loop of string to hang around our neck. We pick blackberries - hundreds of them. So sweet. So fat. Careful of the thorns! Fill the cans up. Dump them into a big plastic bucket. Pick more. Empty the cans again. Almost as many going into my mouth as into the coffee can. Come home. Make blackberry crisp and jam and pie.
2. At my parents' house. It's dinner time, maybe thanksgiving, maybe a birthday, maybe a relative has died and we are telling our favorite stories in rememberence. Piles of food, all types. Maybe there is a debate. Maybe there are some passions flying. Maybe we are laughing. Loosening our belt buckles or changing into sweat pants to make room for more food.
3. I'm scrambling up a rocky mountain, half graceful, half totally out of control. There's a bit of wind rustling the leaves and there is some moss but not too slippery, and I'm feeling my way up and over and around boulders. Breathing slightly heavy from the intensity. Get to a clearing. The sun bursts out over the valleys. The view is extraordinary. I almost want to die from how awesome I feel.
4. Sitting with friends or family around a campfire, possibly on the beach. Wearing a cosy sweatshirt. Breathe in. Smokey on the breeze. A tiny bit chilly on the backside, warm on the side facing the flame. Crunchy pine needles or damp cool sand underfoot. Sky getting dark. Stars coming out. Some mosquitoes coming out too but we swat em. Maybe we are lucky, see some fireflies.
5. Probably if anything important or life-changing ever happened to me, like meeting the person I was going to spend my life with or seeing my son or daughter for the first time, that would be the fifth thing.

Ughhhh

I spent the night at my parents'. A freak snowstorm came through the area... a lot of the leaves are still green actually.

Several inches we got.

As I was falling asleep I could hear the rustle of the wind, the occasional crack of wood splitting, the thud of a heavy branch hitting the ground. Oh please don't let the house get damaged I prayed. If you are there God and if you have the power to answer prayers like this, please please keep the house from getting damaged. It was the most sincere prayer I've prayed in a long time, and I guess it was actually pretty selfish of a prayer too, since I have invested so much time, energy, resources. But oh well, I think the prayer came true, or else we were lucky, or coincidence. There are  branches everywhere, all over the yard. Branches... actually some are the size of small trees themselves. But I think the house is ok.

It's annoying though. All this work we have been putting in for over a year. Things are finally starting to look good. They are having the real estate agent in Tuesday to take photos. Even if the storm hadn't hit, there's still quite a bit that we have to do on the inside, some last junk to box up, cleaning, etc. Now we are gonna have to saw up all those branches and haul them away too! I will be soooo glad when this sells.

Oh well the sun's coming out now, the snow is starting to fall from the branches in wet chunks (sorry for that imagery there!), the bent branches starting to straighten out again. I think it will all be melted by Tuesday.

I ordered some snow/hiking boots from REI with a 20% discount and they just arrived. I am ready to face yardwork with warm feet. Bring it on BITCHESSSSSS...

FYI not in funk anymore

I've been out of the funk so that's good, but pretty busy, so no blogging. I will have to post some pics or update at some point, but not now.

It's a generally good busy though.

Trying to squeeze every last juicy-sweet drop out of this summer before it disappears!

From Little Bro Currently Doing Missionary Service

He wrote at the end of one of his letters:

Much love. Few words? One exhoration: greet the brethren and sistren with an holy kiss (1 Thess 5:26).

Heheh. Cracks me up. I miss that little, 6-foot-plus guy.

Bubber

My little sis sends me an email titled "your homework." It contains the lyrics for Poker Face for me to memorize.


Check this hand cause I'm marvelous!

Some Updates

Tonight I am going to my first meetup event! A vegetarian food meetup. I wonder what the other people will be like. Hopefully not the crazy veg types.

Also I'm getting this, because I think it's funny and cool (Reunite Pangea - heeee):

Also we have made some huge progress in terms of my parents and their house. 

Also, I've been reading this book about unlocking your creativity, doing the different exercises and stuff. It might be a bit hokey, but I also do sort of agree with its premise, that creativity is a way of acknowledging a higher power, of channeling the divine in your life.

Finally, I think I want to start posting again on One Little Joy.

Weekend Update

Due to a series of unfortunate incidents I ended up not being able to go out to NY to participate in the field hockey alumni game this weekend at my alma mater.  Anyway, it was only a bummer for a short while. I did a lot of fun things instead.

Hung out with many, many Danes. Very hyggelig.

Got my hair cut. Got some Indian lunch buffet.  Spent some time at K + T's and baby M's for awhile. Installed the Bum Genius for them (attaches right to the toilet supply line!)

Took the first nap of the season in the back porch hammock. Had two of my sisters over to make these little chocolate coated cake owls and cake-filled easter baskets.

Creepy-cute. My favorite.

Also I met with one of my new roommates.  It's sad that the Danes have to go back to Denmark mid-June... but he will hopefully be a fun and responsible and easygoing roommate.

More pics from creep-cute cake time:

Saw off the bottom of ice cream cones.  Fill with chocolate to create bottom of "basket."

The handle is chocolate twizzler, miraculously

.

Owl body in melted chocolate coating.

Dane food.

  

Some of my favorite creepy-cuties.

Goodbye Week, Hello Weekend

This weekend we have a baby* party at my apartment for Kaci + Tom.  My littlest sister sings in West Side Story.  I get to see almost my whole family.  And dear dear dear Rachy comes to stay for a few days! 

Goodbye week, hello weekend. 




*That baby's gonna be here so soon...

Alice

So I just re-watched the new Alice in Wonderland and these words jumped out at me.  The White Queen speaks them to Alice as she's looking out at the faces of all the friends she has made along the way, deciding if she is up to the challenge of fighting the jabberwocky.

You cannot live your life to please others.  The choice must be yours, because when you step out to face that creature, you will step out alone.  

The beginning sounds a little cliche... but then that last part especially hit me pretty hard. While we can and often do have the support of loved ones - friends, mentors, family members - we ultimately battle our demons ourselves, by ourselves.

It is hard sometimes to know what you want.  It's hard to know what is your own and what you've merely absorbed from those around you.  But sometimes you need to know how to distinguish.

Maybe "that creature," the jabberwocky, can be a lot of things.  But it is certainly a thing we are afraid of.   I remember something a woman said at a presentation/seminar to other women about having a dream and working to reach it: if you feel scared, or like it's impossible, you're probably getting close.  And somehow, that same feeling seems to be the key to knowing what you want.  Pushing through the fear, pushing through despite the fear is what makes you strong.  It is how you know. 

You will step out alone. 

Being Happy, Dammit

Unofficial slogan for me these days (apparently):

It's MY life and I'm going to do what I want and be HAPPY, dammit.

I don't really why I feel suddenly freed, but I do.  I just find myself doing so many things I never felt like I could or should do. And I like it. 

Today

Went to my friend's mom's Christmas concert at this unitarian church (where I attended nursery school, actually).  It was nice, the melodies were nice and the chords were nice.  The choir was beautiful. Music can touch that part inside of you where words cannot reach, where you know things matter and are good, even if you don't know how to describe it.

I'd been feeling tired and a little sick this morning, so I kind of didn't even want to do anything.  But I'm glad I went.

I haven't really been going to church, and I don't think it's a bad thing to not go, it is maybe what I need right now, but still, I miss things being so HOLY like that. I like Christmastime a lot.  It's one of my favorite holidays.  I like lights in the darkness, warmth in the cold, baking treats, spending time with loved ones, and I like that story of a tiny little baby who ended up leading a pretty big life.

They didn't sing this one, but I just like it.  Enjoy.  

Conrbread Pudding

This recipe we based off of something from online that was a little more bland, but we spiced it up a bit.  I think it could stand to be a little more spiced, actually.  I can't find the recipe we based it off of though.  But it's a lot different from that original recipe.  The end result was hearty and pretty tasty. 

Set oven to 350 degrees.

Mix the following ingredients in a large bowl:

•  Stick of butter, melted
• 1 c cornmeal
• 3 eggs, lightly beaten
• 2 c buttermilk (we used 2 c regular milk + some lemon juice)
• finely-chopped veggies, just whatever there was, which happened to be approximately:

- 1/2 red pepper
- small red onion
- 3/4 c black beans, drained
- 1/2 c corn, drained

• 1 t baking soda 
• 1/2 t salt
• black pepper
• some Boursin cheese, about 1/2 package

Pour into buttered skillets or baking pans (we used two large cast-iron skillets), but two 9" rounds would probably work as well.

Top with:

• small can mild green chilies, drained
• 1 c shredded extra sharp cheddar cheese

Bake for 45 min or until egg is set and cheese is golden brown.

Gratitude

Anyway, a couple friends on FB have been posting things they’re thankful for, and Rachy just made a Thanksgiving post. I think it’s good to do that. It really gives you perspective on your life, and a lot of joy to realize how much you really do have. So, things I'm grateful for:

• My fun, loving family - they are not perfect, they occasionally drive me crazy, but I have to say they are one of biggest factors in who I am today
• Friends - I have been blessed with kind and funny and supportive friends who make life not only tolerable but oh so joyful
• Wonderful living situation
• Employment
• Enough to eat
• Overall health
• Modern utilities, including the internet
• Facebook
• Walking
• Warmth
• The rain
• My hands
• Love
• Discovery
• Seasons, time, days, nights, cycles 
• Plants
• Colors
• Dunkin Donuts hash browns (not gonna lie, I am grateful for them) 
• The new day that always comes
• And eyes to see, ears to hear, skin to touch all the beauty that exists in the world around me.