Thursday, February 26, 2009

Implosion

I am just feeling so weird and sick and bummed out and I DON'T. WANT. TO EAT. ANYTHING. My stomach cries out in knotted growls, but even the thought of food in my mouth makes me feel a little ill. I do not know what to do.

I've been really sick all week and my grandma just died this morning, and this stranger talked to me the entire train ride home, even though I really just felt like zoning out today. At the end, he asked me to be his Facebook friend. I didn't WANT to be Facebook friends because I had only just met him. And I told him that, and then he thought I didn't like him, but truly it had nothing to do with him at all. Truly I neither disliked nor liked him, I just wanted to zone out...

All I want to do is have a good cry, but I just haven't been able to cry in MONTHS.

I feel like an awful person because I can't even shed a tear over my own grandmother's death. She and I didn't ever really like each other that much anyway, or at least never had any very deep connection, but the truth of my situation is that I am here today because of her sacrifices.

And she did sacrifice a lot.

I just want somebody to hold me or smack me across the face or at least tell me what to DO. I've been working so hard at making decisions for myself, but in times like this where the system is stressed, I just want it to be easy.

I just want to glide.

I just want somebody to put some food in front of me and tell me to eat so that I don't even have to think about it.

And now here I go to spend the weekend with sad relatives whom I hardly know, even though I should, and their sorrow will make me ache, but I won't know how to reach out to them. And then there's my sad, sad mother who needs my light and love and support, and I feel like this is the opposite of how everything is supposed to be.

Sigh... what a useless creature. What a pitiful excuse for a human.

6 comments:

Petra said...

You're being too hard on yourself, you know, but I understand the feeling. I'm sorry to hear it all and good luck reaching out this weekend.

Logan said...

I don't cry as often as I'd like to, either.

Katya said...

Oooh, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Feel better.

The Dancing Newt said...

Thanks guys.

feng said...

Aww Katie! I'm sorry you were going through such a rough time. It's ok, sometimes things come as such a shock you just don't feel anything and want to be alone. At times like these the only thing you can do is be yourself.

Beth said...

Strangers have a strange way of intruding on our personal space.