Monday, March 9, 2009

Trends of Life

So, I've found that my life follows this beautiful current of curiosity and discovery, where seasons colored by different themes bleed into one another, forming an eternal chain, present seasons illuminating the previous ones and informing those subsequent.

But ah, the questions. How we wrestle together, those open-ended statements and I. How we tear at each other, how we cry out into the night, how we carry each other around silently, secretly. The contradictions, the paradoxes leap out at me, they yell my name. They drag me down, down, down, sometimes, but other times buoy me up and fill me with light. I cannot help the questions. They just come, forming like condensation on the edge of my awareness and dripping to a puddle at my feet. This mind, this swirling spirit is forever yearning, hopeful, sometimes terrifyingly tireless, but always, always questioning. If I try to stifle it (and I have tried at times), I hurt. If I work at things, I find myself growing and expanding. If I find someone to share in them, I am delighted, overjoyed, blessed beyond measure.

And of course there are times when nothing comes to me but I try to continue anyway. I wear myself down to a thin echo, pushing, pushing forward until my faculties are near collapse and the immensity of it all forces me to rest.

And yet recently I find a new trend entering my life, a new current. Something like a new peace I have found. The questions remain of course, constantly refining themselves, multiplying, morphing, but we - they and I - are learning to coexist. I am finally beginning to grasp in small ways the refined art of moderation. Of course, I still crave understanding, still thirst for comprehension, for what I call resonance, more than pretty much anything, but it is a more dignified feeling, a hunger tempered by patience, if only to a small degree currently. Though I want them and seek them with my entire being, I don't feel so anxious for the answers. I can sense a little earlier in the process when I am pushing too hard, I can sense the need for respite, for time to heal, to breathe, to just - as Mother Mary says - let it be.

And recently I even find myself at times possessing sufficient wisdom and love to allow it, myself, the questions, to just be.

This post is part of the Blue-Beta Blog Coordination, a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Confuzzled of I Keep Wondering, Gromit of The Dancing Newt, Redoubt of Redoubt Redux, Third Mango of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Yarjka of Sour Mayonnaise, and Xanthippe of Let’s Save Our Hallmark Moment. This week's theme: 'trends'.


feng said...

haha, but never leave that sense of wonder! the minute you do that, you grow old on the inside.

Beth said...

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean

The Dancing Newt said...

What is it from?