Saturday, July 7, 2012

Get Married, Have Baby

Apparently all the kids are doing it.

I am not opposed, I would like it at some point, but I have never met somebody I want to do that with. Aside from one somewhat disastrous two-year experience, most of my romance interactions haven't lasted more than 1-2 months and then I begin to feel like it's not really enhancing my life at all (except for in the most corporeal sense).

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a freak.

Wonder if all these people have truly found *THE PERSON* or are just getting caught up in hormones, saying, "meh good enough for my purposes" (i.e. married/baby), and then dealing with the lack of fulfillment by realizing that it's not supposed to be that fulfilling actually, it's commitment and tradition and stuff.

That is the one interpretation I can see. And then the other is you meet someone and form an initial, intense connection. Intellectual. Spiritual. Sexual. You get to know one another and that initial spark simmers down a bit but becomes something deeper. There is work, but it's rewarding work, because it's work that you want to do, because it pays off, instead of busy work or work that seems to have no reward for the effort.

Obviously the second is preferable to me, but I cannot tell if it is realistic. I just am not sure if it's too much of an idealization for a  romance relationship. Is it too Disney? Too fairy tale?

With time and effort I have repaired myself quite a bit from the damages of that two-year disaster relationship, and feel like I am in a fairly good place, so perhaps something like that is more realistic than ever before. But I guess I've yet to meet someone where we share all three of those things (intellectual, spiritual, sexual connection) AND a relationship. So absent any firsthand data, it's hard for me to see it as a possibility for me. And if I can't see it as a possibility for myself, then I have trouble imagining that ALL relationships - or at least the majority who post statuses or pics about it on FB after a like 3 month engagement - don't fall under that first category or interpretation I described.

Ah well. These are my current thoughts about things.


ME said...

I've been thinking about romantic relationships and how that relates to my life a lot lately. I'm a freak. I've been on a grand total of 1 date and been in 0 relationships in my life. I think it's a big thing that's missing in my life, something I really want, and something that could bring a lot of fulfillment. On the other hand, I'm not sure I can handle a romantic relationship right now. Then there's the question of who in their right mind would possibly be interested in me...

I like your second interpretation. I think it's the only way things can work. Maybe it is too fairy tale. I don't know.

Newt said...

Ah ME. You have many good qualities... so don't doubt that someone would be interested in you as a partner.

The question of whether you're in a place with your life where you are up for a relationship is definitely a valid one for anyone to consider.

I would say for a year or two after my big breakup I was a total mess and probably shouldn't have dated anyone. I learned a lot of weird behavioral responses to things from that relationship dynamic that turned out to be pretty unhealthy. I think I did try to date one guy during that time period, and he had some "it's complicated" situations going on as well, and then I freaked out on him a little bit and it just became a mess. But at least we are friends still.

And then just recently I went on a date with a great guy a couple months ago but was just feeling like my life was in so much transition with my career and everything else, feeling kind of lost, so even though we seemed to hit it off I felt like I couldn't handle navigating a new relationship at that point.

A bummer about the crappy timing. But if you can't handle it, you can't handle it. You just cannot force things.

Newt said...

Ok you can force things, but it doesn't usually end well.

Katya said...

I don't think I've ever had a strong initial connection with someone. For me, it tends to be more of a simmer than a spark. I'm sure part of that is my own introversion; it just takes me a long time to get to know people and to open up around them. I don't think that's a bad thing, though.

Newt said...

Heh I might be the opposite, share really random and intimate details with people I hardly know (not all people, and not all details). I don't think a little reserved is a bad thing.


Thirdmango said...

It's been weird for me because before three years ago I was so gung ho about the entire concept of relationships. I romanticized them to no end and couldn't see life without it. A lot of that I now realize was due to an unhappiness in myself being single. In the past three years however I've learned and even started to love being single. I've been on a lot of dates recently and if I were still under the spell I likely would have gone gung ho into bad relationships, but instead I valued my single life too much to allow myself to be bogged down.

On the subject of kids, even when I was fully romanticized by relationships I never had a strong desire to have kids. I've always felt ambivalent to the entire idea and so I'm pretty sure I will only have kids if I do end up with someone who wants kids, if I end up with someone who doesn't I won't.

Rachel Hunt said...

I hope it is the second too, but wonder if it might not be some combination.